Trying my best

I've maybe been the most lonely I've ever been in my life. The year started off somewhat magically. I was with my best friends in the world, I had a boyfriend that I was madly in love with, but sadly, he just didn't or couldn't feel the same. None of them can feel the same. 

Then after the end, I had this great realization, I can't expect anyone to love me unless I love myself totally. Otherwise I just end up giving and giving and accepting things that aren't acceptable. 

So currently I'm grateful that I'm reclaiming who I am, whoever that is? I don't even know at this point and haven't really known for a while.

Therefore I've been going on adventures. I went to a pop up dinner recently at Momofuko Siam where the restaurant Husk was having a five course dinner. I went alone and talked with strangers and ate fried chicken. It was amazing! 

On the way home I gave the cab driver some of the extra googie bags I stole. 

I went to a ManServant event and had the most beautiful men pretend as though they were attracted to me. While I know it was about as real as a stripper pretending to like you at a strip club, it was fun to flirt and not be nervous. To feel like I was in control. 

But now I'm home and I'm thinking about how much I still love him, how much I miss him. I know that feeling will pass. I know he's not thinking about me at all, and yes, that makes me sad, but also there's someone else out there and at least now I'm taking the steps to love myself. Even though it's awkward as fuck, and more lonely then I could ever explain...but there will be a day when I don't feel like this, when I'm happy, when I'm happy with myself and I remember back to now, and know how far I've come. Ill own that joy. Because it won't be joy someone has given me, it will be hot I've given myself. 

Love people that love you

Today was the first perfectly sunny and warm day, sun starved New Yorkers filled the streets and it made me happy. and it seemed perfectly timed for me to leave and go see my mom. I love my mom. There's literally no one like her, who's as kind and thoughtful or works as hard as she does. She's really taught me a lot about how I want to be as a human.  

I'm grateful that I got to film a commercial with Paula Abdul, who I used to make up every singe dance to her music, and to meet her in real life was pretty much one of the best days I've ever had. It reminded me also that I love acting. I love being on camera. That there's this part of me that needs to put all of my energy there, and put no more of my energy into things like dating and trying to force someone to love me, which I'm done with. It's so silly. We should love people who love us back, instead of hoping someone will feel that same way. It's such a waste, it caused saddness that never needed  to be there. 

The guy I was dating for eight months would say he loved me, he'd do such sweet loving boyfriend things, but then he would also do super crappy hurtful things. It was because he just didn't know how he felt, or he couldn't go to that place, but I wished he could have been more direct. Because he wasn't and he kept giving me hope, but maybe it's because it was hard for him to say goodbye, because he just decided we'd never be right, so he never let himself go. And I can't argue with perception. 

In an odd way, I'm grateful that I had this shitty week and that I have closure now. Which is why I'm back here. The guy I loved, he's just wasn't it. And to finally accept that was painful and made me go crazy looking for reasons why, because I'm not good with abandonment, because no one is. So I needed reasons to hate him and I found them, by being crazy. But after the anger left and I looked at what I'd done, I wasn't proud. I didn't hate him and I could never. I was hurt and handled it like a 22 year old girl. It was embarrassing and not the woman I want to be. 

Who cares if I'd been right or wrong? In the process of trying to win the ending, I was the one who lost. I lost any hope of a real friendship with him in the future, and more importantly, and I've never done this...I hurt my friend in the process. I hurt someone that really does love me, and I love her more than anything...and it kills me that I did that.  Yes, I have a borderline personality, but I've been working on that for over a year. I'm stubborn! I need to just control myself anyway possible. Because I don't want to be that girl, because I'm not that girl. But I just wanted a simply, I'm sorry. And it wasn't gonna ever happen. That's something that will happen again and I just need to be okay with that. 

You're probably wondering why I would be greatful for a breakdown and acting crazy? Because we do at some point break, and even if it didn't feel like it at the time--it was a choice. And I didn't like that choice in the end, but it wasn't the first time I'd chosen that path, to get angry and weird and be this terrible version of myself because I'm actually  sad, because I don't want that person I lived to go, because I want to fight to save us. But there wasn't an us. I should have just walked away, and next time I will. 

But I'm happy that that was my bottom, and I refuse to date until I totally love myself, until I have trust and faith in men again, until I'm so stupidly happy with myself that I would only accept someone that loved me in that same way, and not just someone who says they love me, but their actions don't match their words. 

A part of being grateful sometimes is when we learn that we aren't perfect, but have a good heart and the desire to be better. That the choice is to make people I love feel how I want to feel, whether it's coming or going. I don't do that. I'm grateful for learning that I want to be loving and have grace. The first key to that is be loving to myself, then my friends and family.

Therefore: my goal is to be more loving to the people who love me already. Gratitude for what we have presently is the most important kind to give.

 

2012

As I sit here, trying to acclimate a new cat in a previously one cat household, I have accidentally hit the link to this blog. I had forgotten all about it. While my life is a little worse for the wear than it was when I started this, I still find things to be grateful for every day. Like the fact that the cats have not (yet) killed each other. They've actually gotten past hissing and are now "talking" in cat to one another. It's sort of cute. And only the second day. For those of you out there who have every had to introduce a new animal to old animals, we are only on day two, not even 24 hours in, so we're doing fantastic. It doesn't change the fact that I feel like a mom having to watch these kids all day and make arrangements so they won't in fact kill each other, but it's good. I'm not going to complain. It could be much worse.

That's been my motto lately. Saying (and believing) that, well, it COULD be much worse. All of it could. I have my job, my apartment, I'm in school, doing well so far, I have enough to eat, I owe the government money but we'll figure all that out; in other words, I'm okay. Like, really okay. There are situations in my life that I'm not sure how to deal with as of yet, but I'm okay. I'm super super grateful for the support I've had along the way, which is the reason I'm okay.

Well, still no hissing from over there. Good news on the homefront. I will leave you with a video by a band I am grateful for, because they make me happy on my early walks to work:

Brilliant Retard

You know that character in the TV show that you think is sort of retarded for a lot of the show, but then out of no where they say or do something brilliant? That's me. I'm the brilliant retard. In a way, it's true. The fact is, I'm not like everyone. I'm not saying this as a put down to myself, but as a joyous compliment to myself, and maybe a way of finally saying, "Missy Moser, you're okay. and you're a little retarded, but also, you're freakin wonderful." I also think it's what makes me human and kind, but mostly retarded in a brilliant way.

I guess, what I mean to say is. I don't want to feel bad about thinking differently. I can't help it. We're all crazy in someway. The truth is, when you really study and watch people, the majority of us are strange. It's about finding people who match your crazy, but make you feel normal. If you're truly lucky, they'll take your retard and turn it into brilliance. I'm odd in the way that I think everyone has something amazing about them. I mean, not mexicans or old people. but most other people...well, I may have to rethink some of that. "some" people.

I think in an odd way, I'm grateful for being a brilliant retard. Because in a child-like way, I'm always finding things, I'm not assuming that I know everything. It allows me to take things in. I'm hugely lucky for that. 

For Dirty Dirty Music

Today, I'm going to stand up and proudly say, "I have really shitty taste in music, and I don't care!" I'm only saying that because, I can't help but love pop music. Yes, I'm a 31 year old person that proudly blasts Britney in her bedroom. At the end of the day I'm proud that I can listen to whatever I like and dance in my bra and panties in my mirror alone. I'm glad that's still fun.  I will keep dancing till the world ends.

Also, this song is pretty amazing. These might just be my wedding vows. I'm not sure. I played this song like 500 or 12 times today. At any rate, I played it a lot. It will make you happy, and then it will blow your mind!

On a side note: I want to also mention how grateful I am for Yelp, which is swiftly becoming my favorite app on my iPhone. Yelp, I think you'll be taking over something soon...what? I don't know? But I love you!

Grateful for this blog

I know that we haven't posted on here in a while, but I feel like the point of this blog is think and focus on things we are grateful about. So what if we didn't do it for 365 days!! People mess up and fail all the time, but you only fail if you really quit doing something. Therefore, I have decided to not give up. This blog made me happy. You know how they say "90% of getting to the gym, is getting to the gym" or "90% of happiness is showing up"? Well, clearly both of those began by getting motivated enough to start over and do something!!

 I want to add personal homework to this blog. It's called for one month only. This is how it works. Make a "things to get rid of list"...what I mean is, things that are wasteful, make me unhappy, cost too much. Then, make a "things to replace that with" Things that will make me happy, things I keep saying I'll do, cheap alternatives. I'm going to work on mine tomorrow while at work, like instead of working, working isn't fun. But I love doing other things while at work.  

With a fur baby at my feet

I write this. It's been a while. I now live in NYC (or close), and have recently acquired a ball of white fur named Pinkerton, a cat of great sweetness and love. He's about four years old, they found him on the street, and all he wants to do is cuddle, or be near his people. We're pretty certain he must have gotten lost, because he's too docile to have been a ferile cat for very long. But he makes us happy, and brings some more life into the apartment that is usually just used for eating take out, watching tv, and sleeping, as all parties involved are so pooped after work. So, thank you Pinkerton, now, go back to snoozing on my toes.



~Jen