Trying my best

I've maybe been the most lonely I've ever been in my life. The year started off somewhat magically. I was with my best friends in the world, I had a boyfriend that I was madly in love with, but sadly, he just didn't or couldn't feel the same. None of them can feel the same. 

Then after the end, I had this great realization, I can't expect anyone to love me unless I love myself totally. Otherwise I just end up giving and giving and accepting things that aren't acceptable. 

So currently I'm grateful that I'm reclaiming who I am, whoever that is? I don't even know at this point and haven't really known for a while.

Therefore I've been going on adventures. I went to a pop up dinner recently at Momofuko Siam where the restaurant Husk was having a five course dinner. I went alone and talked with strangers and ate fried chicken. It was amazing! 

On the way home I gave the cab driver some of the extra googie bags I stole. 

I went to a ManServant event and had the most beautiful men pretend as though they were attracted to me. While I know it was about as real as a stripper pretending to like you at a strip club, it was fun to flirt and not be nervous. To feel like I was in control. 

But now I'm home and I'm thinking about how much I still love him, how much I miss him. I know that feeling will pass. I know he's not thinking about me at all, and yes, that makes me sad, but also there's someone else out there and at least now I'm taking the steps to love myself. Even though it's awkward as fuck, and more lonely then I could ever explain...but there will be a day when I don't feel like this, when I'm happy, when I'm happy with myself and I remember back to now, and know how far I've come. Ill own that joy. Because it won't be joy someone has given me, it will be hot I've given myself. 

Love people that love you

Today was the first perfectly sunny and warm day, sun starved New Yorkers filled the streets and it made me happy. and it seemed perfectly timed for me to leave and go see my mom. I love my mom. There's literally no one like her, who's as kind and thoughtful or works as hard as she does. She's really taught me a lot about how I want to be as a human.  

I'm grateful that I got to film a commercial with Paula Abdul, who I used to make up every singe dance to her music, and to meet her in real life was pretty much one of the best days I've ever had. It reminded me also that I love acting. I love being on camera. That there's this part of me that needs to put all of my energy there, and put no more of my energy into things like dating and trying to force someone to love me, which I'm done with. It's so silly. We should love people who love us back, instead of hoping someone will feel that same way. It's such a waste, it caused saddness that never needed  to be there. 

The guy I was dating for eight months would say he loved me, he'd do such sweet loving boyfriend things, but then he would also do super crappy hurtful things. It was because he just didn't know how he felt, or he couldn't go to that place, but I wished he could have been more direct. Because he wasn't and he kept giving me hope, but maybe it's because it was hard for him to say goodbye, because he just decided we'd never be right, so he never let himself go. And I can't argue with perception. 

In an odd way, I'm grateful that I had this shitty week and that I have closure now. Which is why I'm back here. The guy I loved, he's just wasn't it. And to finally accept that was painful and made me go crazy looking for reasons why, because I'm not good with abandonment, because no one is. So I needed reasons to hate him and I found them, by being crazy. But after the anger left and I looked at what I'd done, I wasn't proud. I didn't hate him and I could never. I was hurt and handled it like a 22 year old girl. It was embarrassing and not the woman I want to be. 

Who cares if I'd been right or wrong? In the process of trying to win the ending, I was the one who lost. I lost any hope of a real friendship with him in the future, and more importantly, and I've never done this...I hurt my friend in the process. I hurt someone that really does love me, and I love her more than anything...and it kills me that I did that.  Yes, I have a borderline personality, but I've been working on that for over a year. I'm stubborn! I need to just control myself anyway possible. Because I don't want to be that girl, because I'm not that girl. But I just wanted a simply, I'm sorry. And it wasn't gonna ever happen. That's something that will happen again and I just need to be okay with that. 

You're probably wondering why I would be greatful for a breakdown and acting crazy? Because we do at some point break, and even if it didn't feel like it at the time--it was a choice. And I didn't like that choice in the end, but it wasn't the first time I'd chosen that path, to get angry and weird and be this terrible version of myself because I'm actually  sad, because I don't want that person I lived to go, because I want to fight to save us. But there wasn't an us. I should have just walked away, and next time I will. 

But I'm happy that that was my bottom, and I refuse to date until I totally love myself, until I have trust and faith in men again, until I'm so stupidly happy with myself that I would only accept someone that loved me in that same way, and not just someone who says they love me, but their actions don't match their words. 

A part of being grateful sometimes is when we learn that we aren't perfect, but have a good heart and the desire to be better. That the choice is to make people I love feel how I want to feel, whether it's coming or going. I don't do that. I'm grateful for learning that I want to be loving and have grace. The first key to that is be loving to myself, then my friends and family.

Therefore: my goal is to be more loving to the people who love me already. Gratitude for what we have presently is the most important kind to give.

 

2012

As I sit here, trying to acclimate a new cat in a previously one cat household, I have accidentally hit the link to this blog. I had forgotten all about it. While my life is a little worse for the wear than it was when I started this, I still find things to be grateful for every day. Like the fact that the cats have not (yet) killed each other. They've actually gotten past hissing and are now "talking" in cat to one another. It's sort of cute. And only the second day. For those of you out there who have every had to introduce a new animal to old animals, we are only on day two, not even 24 hours in, so we're doing fantastic. It doesn't change the fact that I feel like a mom having to watch these kids all day and make arrangements so they won't in fact kill each other, but it's good. I'm not going to complain. It could be much worse.

That's been my motto lately. Saying (and believing) that, well, it COULD be much worse. All of it could. I have my job, my apartment, I'm in school, doing well so far, I have enough to eat, I owe the government money but we'll figure all that out; in other words, I'm okay. Like, really okay. There are situations in my life that I'm not sure how to deal with as of yet, but I'm okay. I'm super super grateful for the support I've had along the way, which is the reason I'm okay.

Well, still no hissing from over there. Good news on the homefront. I will leave you with a video by a band I am grateful for, because they make me happy on my early walks to work:

Brilliant Retard

You know that character in the TV show that you think is sort of retarded for a lot of the show, but then out of no where they say or do something brilliant? That's me. I'm the brilliant retard. In a way, it's true. The fact is, I'm not like everyone. I'm not saying this as a put down to myself, but as a joyous compliment to myself, and maybe a way of finally saying, "Missy Moser, you're okay. and you're a little retarded, but also, you're freakin wonderful." I also think it's what makes me human and kind, but mostly retarded in a brilliant way.

I guess, what I mean to say is. I don't want to feel bad about thinking differently. I can't help it. We're all crazy in someway. The truth is, when you really study and watch people, the majority of us are strange. It's about finding people who match your crazy, but make you feel normal. If you're truly lucky, they'll take your retard and turn it into brilliance. I'm odd in the way that I think everyone has something amazing about them. I mean, not mexicans or old people. but most other people...well, I may have to rethink some of that. "some" people.

I think in an odd way, I'm grateful for being a brilliant retard. Because in a child-like way, I'm always finding things, I'm not assuming that I know everything. It allows me to take things in. I'm hugely lucky for that. 

For Dirty Dirty Music

Today, I'm going to stand up and proudly say, "I have really shitty taste in music, and I don't care!" I'm only saying that because, I can't help but love pop music. Yes, I'm a 31 year old person that proudly blasts Britney in her bedroom. At the end of the day I'm proud that I can listen to whatever I like and dance in my bra and panties in my mirror alone. I'm glad that's still fun.  I will keep dancing till the world ends.

Also, this song is pretty amazing. These might just be my wedding vows. I'm not sure. I played this song like 500 or 12 times today. At any rate, I played it a lot. It will make you happy, and then it will blow your mind!

On a side note: I want to also mention how grateful I am for Yelp, which is swiftly becoming my favorite app on my iPhone. Yelp, I think you'll be taking over something soon...what? I don't know? But I love you!

Grateful for this blog

I know that we haven't posted on here in a while, but I feel like the point of this blog is think and focus on things we are grateful about. So what if we didn't do it for 365 days!! People mess up and fail all the time, but you only fail if you really quit doing something. Therefore, I have decided to not give up. This blog made me happy. You know how they say "90% of getting to the gym, is getting to the gym" or "90% of happiness is showing up"? Well, clearly both of those began by getting motivated enough to start over and do something!!

 I want to add personal homework to this blog. It's called for one month only. This is how it works. Make a "things to get rid of list"...what I mean is, things that are wasteful, make me unhappy, cost too much. Then, make a "things to replace that with" Things that will make me happy, things I keep saying I'll do, cheap alternatives. I'm going to work on mine tomorrow while at work, like instead of working, working isn't fun. But I love doing other things while at work.  

With a fur baby at my feet

I write this. It's been a while. I now live in NYC (or close), and have recently acquired a ball of white fur named Pinkerton, a cat of great sweetness and love. He's about four years old, they found him on the street, and all he wants to do is cuddle, or be near his people. We're pretty certain he must have gotten lost, because he's too docile to have been a ferile cat for very long. But he makes us happy, and brings some more life into the apartment that is usually just used for eating take out, watching tv, and sleeping, as all parties involved are so pooped after work. So, thank you Pinkerton, now, go back to snoozing on my toes.



~Jen

Why, hello...

We're still here. We're still alive. We're still grateful. I took it as sort of a failure that we couldn't keep this thing going every single day, but that is not in the spirit of the blog. We have been doing great things, getting our lives together. We'll stop in from time to time. Today I am grateful that I got to stay home to rest today, and everyone at work was so accommodating about it, just wanted me to rest and get better. Really? My old boss wouldn't care if I worked till I passed out dead on the floor, unless this would cause a mess she had to clean up. And with that, I shall go to bed at 9pm to get up at 4:30am.


~Jen

Beep Beep

I've found that in the first few months of trying to be grateful for things, that I've just become more patient with life. Things that would have normally upset me, traffic, for instance, are now taken with a grain of salt. I think about the one thing I'm grateful for in the situation and it calms me down. I missed my train because no one knew how to use the ticket machines, but the next train allowed me to get the snack I most desperately needed and I still had a seat on the train in which to fall asleep. It's easy most of the time, my only challenge being driving. I am one nasty bitch when I drive, because most people on Long Island don't know how to, and I know in saying that I'm still being aggressive, but it's true. So, my new goal is to be calm while driving. My boyfriend can attest to how crazy I get, so only he and my mother know how big of a deal this will be, but I will write another post on another day, updating my progress. Because there WILL be progress.

I have all that I need

It's a funny thing to look around and say, "I have all that I need". Because we live in a world that always tells you, "more is more". But to be totally honest, I have all that I need. This is not to say that I don't desire more in my life, we all have desires. But I don't need anything else in my life. I am content. That's huge for me!! I have so much love, and perhaps not the love that people write about in fairy tales or romance novels, but my life is full of joyful and loving friends that fill my heart with more joy than I've had in years. More joy than I've had from a "real" relationship with a "Boyfriend", so to me, this is as real as any love you could find in a romance novel. I'm having "friendmances" and they kick ass! Plus, I have a show that I look forward to seeing go up every month. I have a job and co-workers I very much enjoy. So, to me, I guess I want to be grateful for having all that I need. I'm not a religious person, but at the same time, I do thank god everyday for the people that have been brought into my life, as well as the ones that have remained for all of these years. Honestly, I'm a lucky duck! I really am.

Lunch

I am super grateful that my new job provides really great free lunch every day that there's surgery, which is pretty much every day...


:)

Because the love you save today may very well be your own (Take Your Time, Do it Right)

“Because the love you save today may very well be your own” Joe Tex

I was chatting with a friend a few months back about this boy that I liked, yet another hopeless chap. But just like the last boy, this one was “Perfect” he was “the one” and just like the last boy, he didn’t last very long (shocker). My friend gave me this very simple and awesome piece of wisdom, “Why don’t you just focus on you?”... What? I thought to myself. I’ve never done that. I suck at that! There are always a million other more interesting things to focus on (Facebook). Then, I really thought about what he was saying, and I remembered how awesome I am (I am awesome!). I thought, maybe doing myself (not like that) wouldn’t be so bad. 

So I decided the first thing I needed to do was; trim the fat, focus on what’s present. In the past, I’ve wasted a huge amount of time and energy on boys. I was a late bloomer, and not super attractive until I was older, so when guys started finally talking to me in a non “you’re just like my sister” fashion, I didn’t want to stop talking to them. I was soooo excited! Like, You’re attracted to me? Me? Are you sure? At this point I should be over it. But when you’re the fat ugly duckling your whole life, and now hot boys like you, it’s a shock to the system. I’d fall in love with all of them. I suck with boys that I like. You’d think I would be better because I’m 30, but I’m awful! If you want to see a train wreck, watch me around a boy I have a serious crush on. 

At any rate, I stopped dating and I was instantly happier. Instantly lighter, Like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Sure! I miss things like sex, getting my boobs touched, and kissing (Oh man, do I miss kissing!), and snuggling. But my life is simple now. I don’t look at my phone with the hope of some boy texting me. I’m not sad anymore because someone’s not bothering to see how awesome I am. I don’t care. Now the people that I want to see, I do see. They know and love me just as I am. I can give all of the love I have in my heart without restraint. That’s a pretty amazing feeling. 

So yeah, I totally miss getting kissed, but I was thinking about that. Here are my thoughts on that one. All good things in life come to those who wait. So, Fudge it! I'm going to get kissed again, and it's going to be awesome! But I'm going to take my time from now on. Everything in life is better when you relax and take it slow. 

The next part was, do what I love! Be Creative! Like the Nike ad, “Just do it!”. I took improv classes at The Pit. My friend Tim came up with this brilliant idea to do live readings of fan fiction. We started doing that together. Doing simple things that filled my heart with joy, things that made me happy. Because I’m learning, at the end of the day, it’s truly not about anyone else, it’s simply not! It’s only about me in this life. But if I’m a joy to be around, other people will want to be around me more. Therefore, if I keep being a selfish prick, people will really like me. 

The last part was; just be okay with me. Like Popeye says, “I am what I am and that’s all that I am.” This part is called a process. Being truly “cool” with yourself is a process. I’ve always been a weirdo. Sometimes I love that part of myself, but sometimes I hate it. There are days when I’m in my own head, and I’m actually telling myself, Why can’t you just be normal? But, I’m just me. I’m trying to just let things be okay. To be happy with the fact that, I may never be normal. That I may not ever be the smartest girl, or care about sports, politics, animals, really anything other people traditionally care about. But that I’m awesome just as I am. Because, I’m myself. No one will ever be Missy Moser again. There’s a reason why I’m here. That reason is to be awesome! 

One a side note: I read this wonderful thing! I read that if you love everything, even the tree and the stars, if you love them with no need of anything or anyone loving you back, because you simply love the act of loving--that the universe will know, and the love will come back to you from unknown sources. I think that’s totally true. Sometimes, I think people don’t like me, because I’m pretty nice and reliable. People like people to be all shitty these days for some reason, it’s hard for me to not get sad, because I want to feel like there’s a reason I’m a good person. I think that’s why I needed to read that. I’m not good for payment. I’m good because it feels good. Not because I need something in return. It’s good to be good. Don’t get me wrong, I still do shitty things. We all do. But I try to be a good person. I try to love as much as I can everyday! 

I’m grateful that I’m working on me. 

Get Lost

When I was little I used to get every blanket and pillow in the house together and make a nest in the living room, from a young age I'd always had an affinity for small spaces. I even used to nap in the linen closet, curled up into a tiny ball on the second shelf, hidden away from everyone. So it no wonder that I live in New York, where everything is cramped and it's easy to get lost. Perhaps that's one of my favorite things about New York; my ability to get lost. I even love the sound of that phrase...ggggeeeetttt  llllllooooosssttttt. To some folks that might seem like the worst thing in the whole world. Not to me! To me that's wandering through Central Park, seeing a movie alone with my pax salad, writing in a diner or at Starbucks (Free Wifi), or simply walking nowhere. I'm grateful for my "getting lost" time. We all need that time where it's just ourselves being happy being ourselves. There's no greater time than now to fully enjoy getting lost.

I'm Grateful For Love Stories

Lately I've been doing this really silly thing where I ask couples, "How did you fall in love?" I've actually always done this. But I've been doing it a lot. Because people love telling a good love story, and I love hearing them. I love hearing them because, they give me hope. I've never heard a story that sounded like another story. Not to mention, there's no way to tell a bad "how we fell in love" story. Even the worst story teller can tell a good love story. I guess I'm always grateful that no matter what, at the end of the day, there will always be new love stories. There is always something wonderful around the corner when you aren't looking for it. People are always surprising you. The beauty of love is, there's no wrong way to do it. The only wrong way to love is to not love at all. Even if you're already in love, go ask other couples how they met. It's one of the sweetest stories people have to tell. One day, I can't wait to tell my own. :)

So, after repeating over and over that I would find a job in the city that would pay me a certain amount and having it appear almost out of the blue exactly as I kept saying, I am now starting to repeat things over and over to myself in my head as I drive. Today it's been, "I will pay off my bills, I will pay off my bills, I will pay off my bills." It will happen. Apparently, if I work hard and chant about things happeninf, they happen. It could all be coincidence, but if it makes me feel like I'm doing something, than it can't hurt. Last night I was just grateful to make $8 at the restaurant and ended up breaking $100, unheard of for a holiday or a Monday. Being grateful really helps, or me at least...

Not giving up

I keep forgetting about this blog, but I'm not giving up. Its only been two months. We can do this. I can do this.

Today I was thinking how grateful I was for rainy days driving in the car with classical music playing. It gives me a feeling I can't describe, a memory not yet created, or relived again. I'm grateful that I can appreciate the rain, that it doesn't make me sad, but feels like life, because it feeds the plants, the earth, and it feels good the day after when the breeze is cool on your skin.

I am not giving up.

Hard

When we started this venture, I didn't realize how hard it was going to be to write 365 days worth of things we're grateful for. It is. very. So today I'm just going to list a few things that I happened to be thankful for as my day progressed:

Waking up next to my boyfriend
The subway
The sun
My puppies
My car
My friend Gary driving me to work
Coffee
Work
Coffee
Not having anything to do at work
Having awesome loving friends
Having an understanding and awesome mother


Just a few. Time to pass out :)

The Bright Side

It's hard to look on the bright side of things when they get suddenly super shitty all at once (you know, dealing with a bug infestation of your living quarters while you wait for your super late period to come and feel like your going to go insane, along with people starting to question your choice of taking a new job you're very excited about, not huge things, but enough to make someone freak out a little bit after a few 17 hour days of work in a row) but after being positive for so long, it makes it a bit easier. So today, I was grateful that I have been forced into really getting rid of a lot of clothes I don't need. I will donate them. They will make some other person happy. I will lose tons of weight and get new hotter, hipper clothes. I kept saying I WILL find a job in the city, and then I did. It's like meditation. Try it with someone you want with all your heart. I want with all my heart to be thin and beautiful. And I will be. I will.

Chris Garneau

For about two months now, I've been listening to Chris Garneau non-stop! I love him. He's just this strange lovely man. I don't even know why I love him so much? I just do. I think it's because he's so silly and awkward, but also really sad. I've always loved things that are sweet and sour. Chris has been my soundtrack for the past few month. He's really been there for everything. I'm glad he's been there for such a nice time in my life.

I'm so sorry!

I have not been a very good blogger, mainly because all these great things are happening in my life, and I keep forgetting. I'm pretty sure that all of the wonderful things that keep coming at me are because I've been grateful for what I had, and the universe and thanking me for me thanking it, and giving me presents. But not presents such as a Wii, more like a job in my city of choice, super understanding bosses who are willing to keep me on the schedule till we figure out if this new job is a good fit, supportive boyfriend, friends and family, and a new outlook on how my life might be. I feel like the more positive I am, the more grateful I am for what I already have, the better everything is, even if it hasn't changed a bit. Ive just got to keep on keepin on, and things will be better than ever.