Trying my best

I've maybe been the most lonely I've ever been in my life. The year started off somewhat magically. I was with my best friends in the world, I had a boyfriend that I was madly in love with, but sadly, he just didn't or couldn't feel the same. None of them can feel the same. 

Then after the end, I had this great realization, I can't expect anyone to love me unless I love myself totally. Otherwise I just end up giving and giving and accepting things that aren't acceptable. 

So currently I'm grateful that I'm reclaiming who I am, whoever that is? I don't even know at this point and haven't really known for a while.

Therefore I've been going on adventures. I went to a pop up dinner recently at Momofuko Siam where the restaurant Husk was having a five course dinner. I went alone and talked with strangers and ate fried chicken. It was amazing! 

On the way home I gave the cab driver some of the extra googie bags I stole. 

I went to a ManServant event and had the most beautiful men pretend as though they were attracted to me. While I know it was about as real as a stripper pretending to like you at a strip club, it was fun to flirt and not be nervous. To feel like I was in control. 

But now I'm home and I'm thinking about how much I still love him, how much I miss him. I know that feeling will pass. I know he's not thinking about me at all, and yes, that makes me sad, but also there's someone else out there and at least now I'm taking the steps to love myself. Even though it's awkward as fuck, and more lonely then I could ever explain...but there will be a day when I don't feel like this, when I'm happy, when I'm happy with myself and I remember back to now, and know how far I've come. Ill own that joy. Because it won't be joy someone has given me, it will be hot I've given myself.