Hard

When we started this venture, I didn't realize how hard it was going to be to write 365 days worth of things we're grateful for. It is. very. So today I'm just going to list a few things that I happened to be thankful for as my day progressed:

Waking up next to my boyfriend
The subway
The sun
My puppies
My car
My friend Gary driving me to work
Coffee
Work
Coffee
Not having anything to do at work
Having awesome loving friends
Having an understanding and awesome mother


Just a few. Time to pass out :)

The Bright Side

It's hard to look on the bright side of things when they get suddenly super shitty all at once (you know, dealing with a bug infestation of your living quarters while you wait for your super late period to come and feel like your going to go insane, along with people starting to question your choice of taking a new job you're very excited about, not huge things, but enough to make someone freak out a little bit after a few 17 hour days of work in a row) but after being positive for so long, it makes it a bit easier. So today, I was grateful that I have been forced into really getting rid of a lot of clothes I don't need. I will donate them. They will make some other person happy. I will lose tons of weight and get new hotter, hipper clothes. I kept saying I WILL find a job in the city, and then I did. It's like meditation. Try it with someone you want with all your heart. I want with all my heart to be thin and beautiful. And I will be. I will.

Chris Garneau

For about two months now, I've been listening to Chris Garneau non-stop! I love him. He's just this strange lovely man. I don't even know why I love him so much? I just do. I think it's because he's so silly and awkward, but also really sad. I've always loved things that are sweet and sour. Chris has been my soundtrack for the past few month. He's really been there for everything. I'm glad he's been there for such a nice time in my life.

I'm so sorry!

I have not been a very good blogger, mainly because all these great things are happening in my life, and I keep forgetting. I'm pretty sure that all of the wonderful things that keep coming at me are because I've been grateful for what I had, and the universe and thanking me for me thanking it, and giving me presents. But not presents such as a Wii, more like a job in my city of choice, super understanding bosses who are willing to keep me on the schedule till we figure out if this new job is a good fit, supportive boyfriend, friends and family, and a new outlook on how my life might be. I feel like the more positive I am, the more grateful I am for what I already have, the better everything is, even if it hasn't changed a bit. Ive just got to keep on keepin on, and things will be better than ever.

Love Today

I fall in love daily. It's horrible, silly really. I suppose it's because people are just so darn fascinating to me, and also every person brings out something different in you. Or you find something you love about somebody, or love about yourself when you're  with that person. I don't mean "love, love" I mean even like "friendship love". Either way, love is awesome! These are some of the ways I really love to love! (This might very well be the gayest thing ever written.)

Some people bring out the child in you and you can act really silly around them, Like they'd make you want to build tents in the living room, and get every flashlight in the house out, and go inside that tent with every book, blanket, and pillow you have and frigging laugh so hard your stomach hurts, and you piss yourself a little. Just somebody so silly, I could say "Hey, let's take a bath in our bathing suits together like we we're five!" they'd be like, "you're crazy, but let's do it!! You bring the ducky, I'll bring the bubbles."

 Then there are some people who help to relax you, like you could just sit in a park all day, Or maybe at the beach... in the sun, with the waves crashing at your feet. They bring a quiet to your head and you can snuggle with them all day in bed. They'll tickle your back and rub your head. You could talk to them, but they are the kind of people where it's not necessary for words to be said, because everything is said in a look, a friendly smile, or a gentle touch. 

Some people make you think, Those are the people that make me weak, the ones I can play idea tennis with...who serve the ball back. The ones who inspire you to write, sing, dance or paint. Even make a business plan. People that think outside the box.

Some just makes you horny, those are fun too. Who doesn't like a little playtime? A good kiss and hugs too. I mean if they happen to cup a boob, that's fine too. A good cupping never hurt me, and it never hurt you.

Some are lovely for the things they do everyday, for just being really consistent and kind, and that every time you go out, you always have a great time. They treat their friends and family well, they treat your friends well too. The "All the little things" person. That is the most important person of all. May we all be so lucky to have at least one of those, even if it is "just a friend". 

People are delightful! I'm so very grateful for all of the many ways I can fall in love, for my friendship or otherwise. Because when you make love, you have love and then you can't get smitten by love. Love should always be something active. It's everywhere! There's lots of it! You should make as much of it as you can. Be grateful for all of the love you have, and all the love you give.   

Bed

I'm a bad girl and missed a day. Sorry blog followers!! I've been working 17 hour days a lot. Granted, I did have two days off in a row for the first time in what seemed like forever, but nonetheless, I am writing this after my second 17 hour day in a row. And just before I remembered that I had forgotten again, I swung my feet up on my bed and thought, boy am I grateful for this feeling, for the sheets over my toes, the give of the mattress under my legs, the pressure now lifted from my aching arches. I'm lucky that when I first had to move back home, my mother felt bad, and purchased a new mattress for the day bed in my room, my first new mattress in her house in about fifteen years or so. It was on sale and they took some money off cause it was scuffed on the bottom, and threw in a mattress cover. I could not be happier with my silly little child bed. It comforts me on nights like this. If only I could stay in it more than six hours tonight....

Going Back

A friend of mine once said, "The heart doesn't break, it breaks open." Well, the last time it broke open it felt like shit! And I need a break. I'm kidding. I do think that whatever doesn't kill us, makes us stronger, or at least more creative. The point is, it does something.  

What the hurt did for me? I stopped dating. My heart had been hurt one too many times. I needed to start over again. I needed to press to reset button. I had become too jaded. I forgot how nice simple things are, like friendships, girl dates, family nights, and time alone. I forgot what it was like to not  have anything strange in my life. I forgot what it was like to not have some kind of strange motive. To live a simple life, which sounds super lame, but it's nice. 

But even more so, I forgot how thrilling the very thought of kissing is now. The act of holding hands. The thought of cuddles. I feel like I'm 12 years old again. I guess that's why I just want friends. I just want to take things slow. I want to talk to guys. I want to play. I want to really get to know someone first, and I want all of those things to be special for me again.

So I'm grateful for the unexpected right now. I'm grateful for friendship and taking my time. Because I know that one of these days, when I'm not paying attention, one of these friends are going to pull a fast one on me. But it's going to be okay. Because this time, I know, no matter what, I took my time. I got to enjoy all of the little things. This time, the timing was right, because we both took our time. 

This was supposed to be yesterday, but I am truly grateful for gaining such a wonderful friend as Missy. I love you!

Fake Twitter Lovers

I'm grateful for all of the fake Twitter accounts. I don't know what I would do without my daily dose of Garey Busey, Jesus and Hiter! Oh, how the tickle my belly and fill me up with such joy! I laugh out loud everyday. They've become my boyfriends and my naughty lovers. They're the first people I see in the morning, and the last before I go to bed. I love them so much. Thank you fake Twitter lovers.

The Mic

Tonight, for the first time in about five years, I put on a guitar and played a song I wrote and sang it. And it felt awesome. There were only a few people in the audience, but I feel right back into my old banter and band playing and good singing routine. My songs are pretty good, my guitar playing is god awful, and my banter is light and funny, and while I only did two songs, one of my which my friend larrin was kind enough to play for me, halfway through the one I tried to perform solo, it just felt right again. She wants me to play more with her, to get me back on stage, and I probably will, even if it's not my "calling". I'm just very grateful that I had the opportunity to do something I didn't even know I missed.

Auto Pilot

I've been really busy lately, which is a good thing. But today at work, I felt like I was suddenly hit with a ton of bricks; then someone dropped a piano on me, and Mike Tyson kicked me in the head for good measure. I was just really tired. I know that this is how a lot of people are everyday, and way worse than I am. I mean, I don't even have a family to worry about at the end of my days, and I still felt like a zombie today. I guess today I'm really grateful for all of the free coffee at work. I'm grateful that I didn't really need to talk to anyone. Because, my brain can barely function right now.I'm grateful that I get to go home and relax soon, or maybe go see a movie alone. Anything that doesn't involve me thinking sounds just awesome!

second chances

I am very lucky that in the case of most of my ex boyfriends, I am still friends. One in particular I stay very good friends with, and I realized last night that another one of my very good friends, a girl, might actually be the answer to both of their problems of "single life whoa is me I need to be married already". Thinking about it today, passing around numbers (they already knew each other, the seed was just planted), trying to arrange casual meetings, it made me very happy to play yente to them, and it made me realize that it's very true-sometimes things need to fall apart so better things can come together. My ex and I were not meant to be forever, but I enjoy him as a friend, and if I can help him and my other friend find happiness with each other, then that could have been the answer all along. When things were breaking up, I would have thought otherwise, obviously, as when you're deep in the thick of losing love, you don't have anything positive to think about anything, you are just drowning in tears and sadness and hagen das. But a few day, weeks, or years down the road, you're fine. You've moved on. You've found someone who's a better fit, who really cares about you even when you eat your hagen das. And you realize that there's somebody out there better for the other person too. Or (for the real jerks out there, not this particular ex) they'll get what they deserve ;) (which could just be to get the "girl or boy of their dreams" and have it turn out to be not as green as they thought it would be).

So, I am grateful that the heart does heal and that sometimes things can seem to happen for the reason, even if the universe is random.

~Jen

Pleasure Than In Peace

Right now, I'm just working on what  The Buddha taught: N’atthi santi param sukham. This means, literally, “There is no greater pleasure than peace.” I'm trying to look for what feels good and brings me joy, light and peace. I'm avoiding or trying to avoid things that make me sad, and give me nothing in the end. 

It sounds all very gay and hippie. But, I'm trying to just go for things that are present. That I can actually, see, hear, touch, yadda-yadda. I work on what I have. Not what I don't. While I still have slip ups here and there. I've been a lot "happier". I'm quoting that, cause I'm me, and l'll always be a little jaded. I'm like sweet and sour sauce from McDonald. 

Anyway, It's like in meditation, when they say to focus on the breath, but you also need to understand and be okay with the fact that things will take you away from that. Don't dwell on them. Just note that your mind has wandered, and bring it back to the breath. But don't get upset and start telling yourself what a loser you are, cause that won't do anything. 

That's true with life. Just be present. Have a good time, love what's right in front of you. I'm grateful that I'm finding pleasure in peace.

A road rage kind of day

Definitely. Traffic. Stupid people. A short period of time to accomplish the trip I had planned. The makings of a classic case of Chura road rage. I was fine on the ride TO said destination, but coming home, knowing I had to make it there in time for a certain furry friend (ahem, BUSTER the puppy) to not "make" on the floor in the few minutes he would be loose between my brother going to work and me arriving at the house. Old people, stupid people, arrogant rich people, inconsiderate pedestrians (please, people, we're on LONG ISLAND. You cannot get anywhere by WALKING. Public transportation is not reliable. You need a car, or a loved one with a car, or a friend with a car, or even an acquaintance that remembers to bathe with a car). One by one, they plagued my hurried ride. And then, as I approached the last straw, road work, I noticed the guy with the sign. You know, the one that tells you to either slow down or stop, getting paid to stand there for hours. My mother always thought it must be a pretty good gig, because apparently they get paid a lot, but I wouldn't want to have everyone trying to get everywhere angry at me all day, $18 an hour or not. Anyway, the guy with the sign, yes. As I approached the mess of dirt, trucks, and smog ahead of me, I thought that the guy with the sign was giving us all important pieces of information-how long up the road it was one lane, how long the road work would take, detours and the like, but as I got closer, I realized that it was nothing of the kind. He was giving a different happy greeting to everyone who passed. The car ahead of me got a wave, and as I drove up, he pushed his cap up with one finger, like a cowboy, and flashed me a big toothy grin. I couldn't help but smile back, he seemed so happy to be doing everyone this service of letting them get around the working men. It was the highlight of my day, and it kept me sane till I finally arrived home. I don't know who that kid was, but today I am grateful that he is happy enough in life to pass a little of it on to everyone. He will do great things some day, of this I am sure.

Everyday is Another Chance

Not all stories have the great endings we all hope for. The boy doesn't always have the great epiphany that he loves the girl. He doesn't jump out of a cab that's stuck in traffic, and start racing down the street to catch her at a party to admit his undying love to her. These things only happen in the movies. In real life, you tell your roommate "you love him". He has little to no reaction. Life continues as it always has. As if nothing was even said, as though your words meant nothing to him, because they didn't. Because, he loves you, just not like that.

Then one day he says he's moving. This is the big ending to the "movie" or your life. His big goodbye is when he jiggles you in your sleep, and tells you goodbye and he'll call you soon. Then what really happens is four months go by, and few awkward call that only make you feel like shit. Soon you have to move. But he's not calling. Now you have a house full of his stuff and your stuff, and you have to move it all alone. His final goodbye is a middle finger! Like I said, Not all stories have great endings.

But the thing we forget is, this is actually where the real movie begins. That's what I'm grateful for in life, everyday is another chance to start over. While everything you hoped for may not work out, there's always going to be something else. It's like the saying, when one door closes, another opens.

And while life didn't turn out the way I thought it would, I'm far happier with the way it's turning out. Life is what you make it, make it kick ass!

work

Today, I really had to focus on being grateful for having any work at all, even if I hate it. This weekend in general, really, as Saturday, while only requiring me to work one job, was still trying, with nasty nurses and inhuman working conditions plaguing my every move. Today, it was just the number of hours of continuous work that got to me, and when I was finally home, I felt like a zombie. It took all of my energy to take a shower, but as soon as I got out (about ten minutes ago) I could really take a step back and actually be grateful for the fact that I have employment. Granted, it is not yet employment that can fully support me, but it is something. And even thinking back to the OR nurse who tried to blame me for her mistake (she thanked me for helping her in the end), I'm glad I experienced and lived through this day, if only for it giving me perspective on everything else in the world, or at the very least, convincing me to go back for ANOTHER degree that might get me somewhere in life....

The More Love You Make...

“The hardest part of love is to stop searching, and allow love to stumble upon you. Do not seek the crafty eccentric that is love, for it works in very unfeasible ways. When it’s your time to be discovered, Love will find you, and when Love does, lend Love a hand and discover it too!” ~some shit I made up, yeah baby!

Love is the most magnificent phenomenon in the world. Love can open up the gates of heaven right here on earth. Love can bring you pleasure and illumination that you could not have imagined otherwise. Love at its best is uncomplicated and wonderful. It’s like having a best friend and a lover all rolled up in a crazy love burrito. It’s like the greatest thing in the world. But you can’t look for love. You discover it, stumble upon it or fall in it. Which is really strange sounding, actually. Love seems to be the only thing we ever want to “fall in”. I mean, for the most part, besides love; “falling in” something more often than not is something we try to steer clear of in life. It’s also not fun when you’re falling into anything alone, and the other person is looking at you, like: Why are you such a loser?

Recently I’ve been really thinking about what it’s supposed to actually feel like when love is the right fit. Maybe it’s just like the word “Fit”. I mean it in terms of clothing. Like when you go to a dressing room to try on something, but some things are too tight, too big, too long, too short, too blue, too yellow, not yellow enough, that pair of acid washed jeans looked perfect on the rack, but...and that’s kind of how love is.

On the contrary, sometimes you find that perfect outfit, which seems like it was made in the heavens just for you. It fits every inch of your body perfectly, and makes you look ten pounds lighter. That’s kind of what I think it will be like when you meet the right person. You won’t have too think so much, and they will just be tailor made for you, and all the little weird and wonderful things that make you, you. But you have to go through a lot people that don’t fit you first, and you might try to make them fit. OH, YOU’LL TRY! But you’ll fail and fail and fail. Until one day, when it’s the right fit, it’ll be easy.

The truth is, it’s never easy, until it is easy. When that happens, it’s amazing! But, It’s never easy to control our emotions. Sometimes we think we’ve found that perfect person. Except that person doesn’t feel the same way. That’s just the worst feeling in the world. Because we know that they can’t control how anyone feels, but at the same time, why can’t they see what you see? Which is…how utterly amazing you both are together! But they can’t. Cause they don’t feel that way, or they’re gay, or straight, too old, too young, they’re black, or white, or yellow, or they don’t have hair, or bad teeth, or they’re dry funny and you like a different kind of funny. There are a million reasons why people aren’t on the same page, but whatever the reason is, it really sucks ass!

I guess at the end of the day, you have too learn that while you can’t love everyone romantically, you can still deeply care and love people in a friendly way. That’s not always easy to do when you’re waiting for them to realize that way deep down they actually do love you, but if you get over that little hump...You can share a very loving friendship together. However, if you can’t? I highly recommend not having a friendship with that person; because it will be filled with a deep silent pain that will slowly crush your spirit and break your heart.

I guess what I'm grateful for in all of this is, there are lots of clothes to choose from, and when I'm not thinking about it, I'm going to walk into some store and that perfect outfit will be there! It will be so easy, just like love should be, and I won't ever want to take that outfit off. No matter how jaded I get. I'm the most grateful for love, in any form! We have no greater gift in life than to love. Plus, it's a gift that keeps on giving. Because the more love you make, the more love you take.

Where to begin?

Since I've been trying to be in the habit of thinking about what i'm grateful for for over a month now, I'm starting to realize how much I really do have to be super thankful for. I'm also starting to add a "grateful" to every crappy thing that comes my way. I'm not happy that I'm living at home, but I'm grateful that my parents let me stay for only kicking in a few bucks for groceries a week. I hate what I must do for work but I'm grateful I have jobs. These nurses are really nasty but I'll be leaving soon, it's my choice to let them get to me or not, it's my own choice to get angry. This positive thinking has been like a virus spreading in my brain-no, virus is too negative-a vaccine then? In any case, it has taken over, and while it is not full force all of the time, it is working it's magic. I may not get two days in a row off, but thankfully, most of the time my day off coincides with my boyfriends, and I'll have the night before free, so I get a day and a half. I am grateful for that. It's gotten to the point where I have so many things for which I am grateful, I find it hard to pick what to write this blog about. I suppose it makes for better reading if I come to this realization towards the end of out 365 days, but it makes for better living if it is starting to happen already. So, to everyone who actually reads what Missy and I write, go find your inner Pollyanna. There are worse things you could be called ;)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pollyanna_principle


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0V7raj1gh-M&feature=related


~Jen

More Like My Mom.

When I was little, I can remember hating how odd my family was. Wishing that my mom would be normal. I just wanted a mom that didn't burp, fart, and curse all the time. I didn't want a mom that would talk to everyone in the world. I didn't want an outgoing mom. I wanted a stay at home mom. I used to pray to god at night that he would make my mom act like a normal mom.

However, My little brother always had a better sense of humor about this, he thought she was great. I took no such joy from my mother's antics. I thought she lived to horrify me. At least when I was little. But I was a very serious child. Perhaps I needed such a mother? I needed a mom that was silly and outgoing, that would talk to everyone. She pushed me to get out of my comfort zone. She taught me a good lesson: What's the worst that's going to happen if you put yourself out there? What's the worst that going to happen? She's never been afraid to say or do anything in her entire life. She's not afraid to be wrong, or look stupid, because at the end of the day she loves to laugh at herself. Because, she loves life more than anyone I've ever known. I'm grateful to have such a woman in my life. I hope to continue to be as wonderfully brave and loving as she is. She's the light of my life. I love her more than anyone. I love her farts and everything. I grateful for all of her!

This song goes out to my Mommy-tulla

Don’t Get Mad, Get Kind

Tonight I learned a valuable lesson; tonight I lost all of my grace, if I had any to begin with? I totally lost it. I’ve been really busy lately with moving to a new apartment, working all the time, trying to assist with Monday Night Fan Fiction, and just trying to keep my head on straight. This evening I had a meeting to figure out how to better promote our show, I was thrilled! Honestly, MNFF is one of my favorite things in the world right now. So when I asked yesterday if I could leave early, it wasn’t a problem. However, the girl that was supposed to work this evening wasn’t at work today. It was a different co-worker. It was the "Evil" co-worker. She’s one of those people that just goes out of her way to screw other people over. She’s gets some kind of sick joy out of others misery.

As soon as I saw her I knew I was totally screwed. I asked again if it was still okay if I leave at 7:00pm? But as soon as I ask, she says, "Well actually I think I want to leave early." I start to boil over inside. I can feel my whole face heating up. "I knew this was going to happen!" I think to myself. Then, I literally lose my shit right there, throw off my vest and throw my pilot pen to the ground, "That's it! I'm quitting! I don't care anymore. This place is bullshit." Then my super sweet manager pulls me into the office and gives me the old, "Don't quit like this..." speech. I try to calm myself down as much as I can, but my whole body is shaking. I'm filled with such rage right now, that I'm not in my right mind, I finally look over to her and without thinking I blurt out, "You're the worst Christian woman ever! You just go out of your way to do vindictive things to people and it's horrible. You make God weep, you're so evil." Then she left the office and said I'd lost my mind, which may have been a little true, or a lot true. Then she said she was going to call the cops, and I was like, "Call them!! Tell them I said you were a shitty Christian."

The thing was, as I sat there at my desk, I realized at the end of the day, all of my anger didn't do anything. It just made me more angry. Nothing was solved. I hated feeling like that. I hated feeling so out of control. I was totally insane tonight. I'll admit that. While I do think that woman goes out of her way to do horrible things to people, I don't need to react in such a manor. I should have had more grace (or any at all). I know I have a bad temper. I know it's something that I'll always need to work on. I guess in life, it's not about everyday or every moment being the best. It's just about learning to make better choices the next time. I guess what I mean is, I didn't need to call her a bad Christian. Even though it felt super awesome. It didn't really serve a purpose. I need to be more mindful of my actions. I wasn't at all. I forgot to be kind even though I was really angry. I didn't take the high road.

I'm grateful that there's always tomorrow to make a fresh start. Hopefully, next time I'm angry, I won't get mad, I'll get kind.

Happy Anniversary!!

It's been one month! We're still at that point, like when you're in the beginning of a relationship in 8th grade, where we're so new we can celebrate each month, though unlike that same relationship, we will last a year. In any case, I type this with bruised fingers, because I've spend the evening playing a guitar, something I haven't done in years. It felt really good. What feels like a century ago, more like five years ago, I was such a regular at open mic night that people knew the words to the songs I had written. I was never very good at guitar, but I am a singer if nothing else in this world, and my songs weren't half bad. Tonight, I am thankful that my friend Larrin asked me to sing a song or two at her gig, and is actually playing them for me so I don't embarrass myself. I forgot how much I loved to sing, how much it is a part of me, how it is something about which I never doubt myself. I AM a singer. I forgot.



~Jen