Trying my best

I've maybe been the most lonely I've ever been in my life. The year started off somewhat magically. I was with my best friends in the world, I had a boyfriend that I was madly in love with, but sadly, he just didn't or couldn't feel the same. None of them can feel the same. 

Then after the end, I had this great realization, I can't expect anyone to love me unless I love myself totally. Otherwise I just end up giving and giving and accepting things that aren't acceptable. 

So currently I'm grateful that I'm reclaiming who I am, whoever that is? I don't even know at this point and haven't really known for a while.

Therefore I've been going on adventures. I went to a pop up dinner recently at Momofuko Siam where the restaurant Husk was having a five course dinner. I went alone and talked with strangers and ate fried chicken. It was amazing! 

On the way home I gave the cab driver some of the extra googie bags I stole. 

I went to a ManServant event and had the most beautiful men pretend as though they were attracted to me. While I know it was about as real as a stripper pretending to like you at a strip club, it was fun to flirt and not be nervous. To feel like I was in control. 

But now I'm home and I'm thinking about how much I still love him, how much I miss him. I know that feeling will pass. I know he's not thinking about me at all, and yes, that makes me sad, but also there's someone else out there and at least now I'm taking the steps to love myself. Even though it's awkward as fuck, and more lonely then I could ever explain...but there will be a day when I don't feel like this, when I'm happy, when I'm happy with myself and I remember back to now, and know how far I've come. Ill own that joy. Because it won't be joy someone has given me, it will be hot I've given myself. 

Love people that love you

Today was the first perfectly sunny and warm day, sun starved New Yorkers filled the streets and it made me happy. and it seemed perfectly timed for me to leave and go see my mom. I love my mom. There's literally no one like her, who's as kind and thoughtful or works as hard as she does. She's really taught me a lot about how I want to be as a human.  

I'm grateful that I got to film a commercial with Paula Abdul, who I used to make up every singe dance to her music, and to meet her in real life was pretty much one of the best days I've ever had. It reminded me also that I love acting. I love being on camera. That there's this part of me that needs to put all of my energy there, and put no more of my energy into things like dating and trying to force someone to love me, which I'm done with. It's so silly. We should love people who love us back, instead of hoping someone will feel that same way. It's such a waste, it caused saddness that never needed  to be there. 

The guy I was dating for eight months would say he loved me, he'd do such sweet loving boyfriend things, but then he would also do super crappy hurtful things. It was because he just didn't know how he felt, or he couldn't go to that place, but I wished he could have been more direct. Because he wasn't and he kept giving me hope, but maybe it's because it was hard for him to say goodbye, because he just decided we'd never be right, so he never let himself go. And I can't argue with perception. 

In an odd way, I'm grateful that I had this shitty week and that I have closure now. Which is why I'm back here. The guy I loved, he's just wasn't it. And to finally accept that was painful and made me go crazy looking for reasons why, because I'm not good with abandonment, because no one is. So I needed reasons to hate him and I found them, by being crazy. But after the anger left and I looked at what I'd done, I wasn't proud. I didn't hate him and I could never. I was hurt and handled it like a 22 year old girl. It was embarrassing and not the woman I want to be. 

Who cares if I'd been right or wrong? In the process of trying to win the ending, I was the one who lost. I lost any hope of a real friendship with him in the future, and more importantly, and I've never done this...I hurt my friend in the process. I hurt someone that really does love me, and I love her more than anything...and it kills me that I did that.  Yes, I have a borderline personality, but I've been working on that for over a year. I'm stubborn! I need to just control myself anyway possible. Because I don't want to be that girl, because I'm not that girl. But I just wanted a simply, I'm sorry. And it wasn't gonna ever happen. That's something that will happen again and I just need to be okay with that. 

You're probably wondering why I would be greatful for a breakdown and acting crazy? Because we do at some point break, and even if it didn't feel like it at the time--it was a choice. And I didn't like that choice in the end, but it wasn't the first time I'd chosen that path, to get angry and weird and be this terrible version of myself because I'm actually  sad, because I don't want that person I lived to go, because I want to fight to save us. But there wasn't an us. I should have just walked away, and next time I will. 

But I'm happy that that was my bottom, and I refuse to date until I totally love myself, until I have trust and faith in men again, until I'm so stupidly happy with myself that I would only accept someone that loved me in that same way, and not just someone who says they love me, but their actions don't match their words. 

A part of being grateful sometimes is when we learn that we aren't perfect, but have a good heart and the desire to be better. That the choice is to make people I love feel how I want to feel, whether it's coming or going. I don't do that. I'm grateful for learning that I want to be loving and have grace. The first key to that is be loving to myself, then my friends and family.

Therefore: my goal is to be more loving to the people who love me already. Gratitude for what we have presently is the most important kind to give.