one of those days

when it's hard to be grateful for anything, on these days, I can be thankful for this man's voice and how it can make me happy and sad that the same time, take me to NYC or Paris, allow me to cry if I need to, and make me feel a little less alone in the world. Thank you, Rufus Wainwright.

I'm Going for Myself

I’m grateful that I’ve taken a breather from dating for a little bit, or possibly forever (I'm kidding, I'm too romantic and gay). Anywho, Today at work one of my co-workers said, “You seem so happy, are you seeing someone?” and the truth is, I’ve been a lot happier, because I’m not seeing anyone. Because for the first time in forever I don’t have too care about checking my phone, dressing up, looking cute, shaving my legs (not that I ever did), I only need to care about myself. I guess in a way, I should have been doing that all along, but, better late than never. Right now, as James Carr would say, "I'm going for myself now"...

The little things

Today, I am grateful for the little things in life that make me happy, such as stationery. I went shopping with my mom, and came upon the back to school aisles. It really makes me wish I was still in college, studying something, so that I could stock up on pens, paper, notebooks, binders, staples, paperclips, folders, highlighters, pencils....sigh. I love the smell, the feel, organizing them, using them. When I was little, I wanted to be a college professor at some point so that I would always have to go stocking up on such things, and then quickly changed my mind when I realized how much effort getting to that point would take. Now I have a master's in education, probably because subconsciously I knew I'd need an ungodly supply of crayons eventually.

Sometimes, I buy notebooks and pens I don't need. Because someday I might need them. they call to me. Especially when it's a good deal. Because nobody loves a good deal more than me. That's a blog for another day....


~Jen

“Wrong” is the New Right

I’m grateful for being intense (AKA “Crazy”). I used to hate it, but I guess—after 30years, I’m finally starting to chill out and say, “This is just who I am. I’m just a wild and crazy girl!” I think for years now I’ve really tried to not be, but the truth is; this is just me, You know? And like the great and powerful Popeye says, “I am what I am, and that’s all that I am”. I don’t want to feel bad about anymore, cause I’m splendid! What I’m learning is, sometimes you can think something is a liability, an imperfection your whole life that keeps you from moving forward. Then one day, you have this moment and realize that your limitation is actually your greatest strength. The truth is, we are all full of beautiful imperfections. Everyone is totally messed up in this amazing way. It’s how we use those amazing imperfections, that truly makes us remarkable.

I’m grateful that I’m starting to not detest my imperfections, because, they’re a part of who I am, and don’t want to hate something that’s so clearly me. I’m grateful that I’m intense. I’m pretty sure that’s what’s going to make me a million dollars one day. I guess I’m grateful that I’m starting to finally see that, maybe all of the things that were so wrong, were actually so right!

Warning: Mushiness ahead.

I was advised today, after gushing like a little girl, to write a blog about how obnoxiously in love I am. As I am not a girly girl, I'm not one to announce these types of things normally, but it's not often that I encounter the type of thing that makes all of the sappy songs on the radio make sense. It came out of nowhere, and from the very beginning, it was comfortable and easy. Now, that's not to say it wasn't exciting, just, well, to continue with my already professed mood of mushiness, right. My brother, upon my first date exiting the car, being dropped off after a movie, pizza, a kiss, and hand holding on the way home, asked, "do they fit?"
"Do what fit?" I couldn't imagine what he meant.
"Your hands. Do they fit? Paul Reiser says in his book, Couplehood, that a couple's hands should fit, if they're a good match, and that he and his wife's hands fit. Do yours fit?"
I remember not wanting to answer, not feeling comfortable with that boy, or talking about a boy I may or may not have liked at the time. "Yes," I replied, because I knew it would make him happy. "They fit."
But they didn't. And in the past, I've twisted and bent and contorted to make my hands fit into positions they did not find pleasing, because I wanted so badly to be "complete" as the girly movies call it.

I'm sorry to tell you all, that being complete is really about finding and loving yourself, and once I was able to do that, I was able to love someone else. Someone who makes love songs make sense. Someone whose hands fit. Truly, this time.



~Jen

I have once again missed a deadline but for good reason-i got to see my boyfriend's mother, whom I adore, dear friends, shop, eat, and perform! A grateful day!

Good Race

Today I'm grateful for deadlines. They are the ticking time bomb of life. I'm moving at the end of this month. No matter what, I have to be out of my apartment by the end of this month. I just found out, in addition to packing and moving my stuff; I now have the luxury of getting rid of all of my previous roommates stuff. He has left me with it and isn't coming back. A stress I wasn't really expecting. I just have to man-up and deal with it though, because I have a deadline! Also, because crying and doing nothing about it, won't make his stuff go away.

Although, sometimes we have good deadlines, things we look forward to finishing. We even race to finish them before they need to be done! We stress a little, but it's a great stress! The kind that makes you feel alive! The truth is, I love deadlines because they show you what you're made of. At the end of the day, whatever happens, happens. I think Nike said it best when they said "Just do it!"... because that's all you can do. Even when life's kicking you, and you're freaking out. You just gotta do it. But when it's great, then it's like this awesome feeling of, "yeah, I'm doing it!" Either way, good or bad, you know...you learn, you can make it through anything.

I'm grateful for these little tests that show, I can make it through anything. With every good race, you need a finish line, otherwise you're just running in circles.

Love love love

When I get home, I am greeted by the squealing and yelping of two crazy pups. Every time. Buster, the beagle puppy, cries as though he thought you were never coming back and that you've been gone for years. Maggie shows you a toy, and give you her butt to scratch, after she's smelled your hair, of course. Oliver, the fluffy orange cat, flirts at everyone with his tail, pleading for pets, and Fuzzy just waits for someone to come pet her (but not brush her, she'll bite you). These four furry friends give so much unconditional love, that being with them makes you forget every care in the world. They make my life so much better, every day, and every day I am grateful that they are in my life, along with all the fluffy family members we've loved and lost along the way: Butch, Adam, Evie, Muffin, Gizzmo, Stormy, Fievel, Mama, Cinnamon, Annie, and Sammie. I miss them all, and I hope that they are having a ball on the other side of the rainbow bridge.

You get more bees with honey

My mother has always said, "You get more bees with honey". That's hard to believe sometimes when there are so many douche bags in the world. However, I do believe that when you really look around at all of the amazing people out there. There are far more wonderful people, that are kind and lovely; people that are doing the best they can everyday. Those are the people we all have to watch. Everyday at work I have these lovely souls that I give the biggest bear hugs, and I would be just beside myself if I didn't get those. I think about the people on the street that I flash a smile at, and they smile back. I think about my friends. I keep thinking, New York isn't cold, New York is what you make it. Life is what you make it. If you make it light and lovely, it will be. If you look and your actions and make things fun and joyous, that's how most of the world will react. Some people will be dicks, ignore them! Whatever doesn't kill us, makes us stronger, right? So in a way, all those bad things, the shit in the world, it's all the shit that we need to use as fertilizer to help us bloom.

I'm not saying that things will be easy or fun all the time. My life is stressful, everyone's is. We're all doing the very best we can. But I also know, there are some wonderful people in my life, that truly care about. That makes me grateful for everyday. Even though, I sometimes want to say, "Eat shit!" to everyone I see, I just smile and say, "Hi!" and know we're all doing the best we can. Because, We are!


"If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished?"
~Rumi

some days

Some days it's the little things. As I type this, I am beginning to fight a migraine that will hopefully not ruin my night's sleep. And while they are dreadfully painful, I am very grateful that I do not get these more than about five times a year. Some people much endure them on a regular basis, and I am very lucky that I can go months without a twitch. That being said, that screen is killing my eyes, so i shall bid you all goodnight! :)



~Jen

Quotes

Right now is a really stressful time. I'm right in the middle of moving, and there's a little more going on then I can write about on a public blog. At any rate, this move is becoming really stressful. I've noticed that whenever I get really stressed out, I start mentally quoting. Maybe that's what we do, you know? To not self destruct; when the times are getting tough, we start going through every quote in the book.

Lately, I've found myself talking to myself and saying things like, "This too shall change" "When one door closes, another opens""Which came first? the chicken...wait! That's not a quote! Focus, Missy!" But as I'm repeating these little words of wisdom, I find that if only for a moment, maybe longer, I'm relaxed. So today as I continue on this great moving adventure once more, I know I will be fine and that, "This too shall change". I'm grateful for all of these little words of wisdom to help me through, when the times are not so easy. Because it's good to know, at the end of the day, things are always changing, and that the sun will come out tomorrow.

Orange Juice

My mother likes to listen to a lot of self help gurus. Self help is really the wrong term, though, since even though they are trying to get one to better oneself, they more of an enlightening and life changing sort than any of these "men are from mars, women are from venus/my mother myself/I'm my own grandpa" sort of books. But in any case, my favorite is Dr. Wayne Dyer. I have a lot of anger pent up inside, stored up from my childhood in boxes in my heart, and I've been slowly trying to clean all that crap out so I can be peaceful and happy no matter what or who. Here's a thought, following in the footsteps of Missy, from Dr. Dyer. I am grateful that listening to him, whether or not you feel he's a quack or even if I think he's one, makes me feel better about life. It doesn't matter how you get there, but if you can make your way to happiness without hurting anyone, including yourself, do it:

Being Selfish (To Be Yourself)

Today I'm grateful for being selfish. I don't mean that I'm going around being a total douche bag to people, but for the first time in a long while, I'm doing me. I'm thinking about myself for the most part. I'm finding that through that, everyone else is also a lot more happy. Because when I'm happy and thinking about me, everyone else seems to be happier. As silly as it may seem, by doing me, I'm doing a lot of other people. Wait, that came out wrong! But, you know what I mean.

Fashion Forward

During the Christmas season following my graduation from college (the first degree) I got a job at a store called Torrid, the plus size sister store to Hot Topic. A friend of mine had already started as holiday help, and had suggested that it wasn't a bad place to make a few bucks. As with other retail and food service establishments in the past, they wanted to make me part of the management within a month or so. I accepted, but I never realized what I would, in the end, really gain from this experience. The girls I worked with were all beyond full figured (the sizes went from 12 to 24, with most of the staff and customers leaning towards the larger end of things) and so I became, as one manager described me, the "anorexic one". Some of the girls who would come in wouldn't want my help since, at a good size 12/14 I was "skinny". Never before in my entire life had anyone looked at me, to my knowledge, and wanted to look like me. They would have me try on new clothes because I may not have a perfect model 34-26-34 or whatever it's supposed to be, but I'm in proportion, and curvy, and, as they taught me, gorgeous just the way I am. For the first time in my life, I had self esteem. We had to be "fashion forward" at all times, hair, makeup, nails, stylish clothing. I looked good everywhere I went because I was either coming from or going to work. While I never thought of myself as the retail or do-yourself-up type, I felt really good all the time. And I've carried that with me. I kid that it's why I can't lose weight, that i think I'm okay the way I am, though I know another 20lbs would make me really hot stuff. ;) So, today I am grateful for the self esteem I hold so dear that's just been growing ever since.




What are you grateful for?


~Jen

Just Right

I’m grateful for a lot of things, but more than anything, I’m grateful for my dreams. This is one of those dreams.

If I’m lucky, I want to be the old couple in the diner. That’s what I want more than anything. Even if I’m hugely successful and I have all the money in the world. Even though I could get far better cuisine elsewhere, I would much rather be with my husband of many years in a diner. I want to be the feisty old woman with pure white hair, sitting with my husband, with his full head of salt and pepper hair and thick Tom Selleck mustache; looking amazingly relaxed. Although, I have no clue how? With me always distressing him with some kind of ludicrousness, but he never seems to mind really, he finds an odd delight in my constant flow of ideas and tomfoolery. (He said it was my naughty eyes that made him fall in love with me.) But he has his things too, and I don’t seem to mind the fact that he falls asleep with a book every night, or always tells me the same story 20 times, but my memory isn’t that great anyway. I don’t mind always having to turn out the lights before bed. I mean he always gets the mail, so I guess it’s a fair trade in the end.

But every Wednesday we love to come to the Lyric Diner on 22nd and 3rd Avenue. I have the Egg Salad Sandwich and matzo ball soup. He has the Steak with a baked potato and mixed veggies. I cut his meat for him, and he eats half of my soup. He never orders his own, I think he likes when I get mad at him. He still likes to push the old buttons. Such a Jerk!! But he’s my Jerk.

We just sit there sometimes at the table and don’t say a word. We don’t really have to at this point. Sometimes we comment on the food, whether it’s bad or good…talk about how the douche bag kids finally called, but then talk about how proud we are of Alexander, Dylan, and Eliza. We smile as we think about all of the crazy times we went through with them, and how we’re just happy we made it to this diner. We’ll just sit there and eat our dinner, and then my husband will reach across the table, and he’ll grab my hand…and I’ll look and him and say “What darling?” He’ll just smile and say “Oh...nothing.” I’ll know that’s him just saying that he loves me. I’ll just smile back and drink my coffee. It will be lovely to know that everything is just right.

Someday, I’ll be that elderly couple in a diner, and it will be just right.

I’m grateful that I have dreams like this one, but I’m also grateful that dreams come true.

[The truth is, Everything is pretty good right now! I'm a very lucky person. I do have a lot of love. Maybe not romantic love, but a lot of love! I know one day, when the time is right, I'll find my old man, and it will be just right.]

cool, man

As I was driving home from work in the 92 degree heat this afternoon, windows down, just enough gas to get home, but not enough to turn on the air, I thought of how cold I'd be when I got home. My stepfather, my mother kids, is trying to make it the right temperature to use the wood burning stove. As much as it's strange wearing sweatpants and sweaters in the summer, I greatly appreciate the air. For a long time growing up, we didn't have it, and I believe that the decision to get it was not for us humans, but because my stepdad was concerned about the animals melting in the summer. I remember being in New Orleans in August, the humidity like jello, stopping in doorways to steal some cool. To think that anyone in extreme heat may have to go without this luxury was insane to me at the time, and going on heat wave #30 (this year and it's only July) I am super grateful for the fact that as I type this, I am in the line of fire of a cool (freezing) breeze.

Also, iced coffee.


Also also, that I only worked one job today!! woohoo!!

Sunday Dinner

Growing up we had a very small family. For the most part it was just my Mom, my brother John and my little brother Chris. My parents had divorced when I was little. But we had a huge adopted family! Luckily, My Mom had tons of friends. Every Sunday our house would be full of people. My mom would cook this amazing meal and everyone would come over, and we would tell stories about what happened that week, put on some soul music, tell dirty jokes (well, I would listen to them), it was wonderful. Everyone would eat, everyone would help clean. Then we'd all watch TV and relax, or sit outside and chat for hours. This is what we did on Sunday. This was Family night.

Every chance I get to recreate this, I'm over the moon! So lately I've been having Sushi Sunday's with My friends Jen and Tim. It's been nice to feel like a little family. It doesn't matter where you are, as long as you have some kind of family, that's all you need. My mom was so good at creating that for us. I guess growing up I never noticed that we didn't have such a large family. Because, it always seemed huge. The truth is, family can be anyone. We make new family everyday. Brand New Sisters, Moms, Dads and brothers, and that's pretty darn awesome. At the end of the day, it's not about what you did. It not about how much money you made. It's about the friends and loved one you made. It's about those Sunday dinners.

The Universe Knows

I was in the process of writing a blog about being grateful for things you don't have yet, thanking the universe for things you would like, as if you already have them, when I got the news that an old co-worker of mine had passed away today. Old as in, I haven't worked there in years, though I think he was only 25. He's been sick for two years and I didn't know. I keep up with some of my former coworkers from that job via Facebook, but since he was not on it, to my knowledge at least, I hadn't spoken to him in ages. He had an illness that he was said to have fought bravely, but today had to give up the fight. Or, accept his heaven. However you'd like to think of it. He must be in a better place, or at least I'd like to think he is. He was such a bright, thoughtful, funny kid when I knew him, someone I always pictured getting married, having kids, and enjoying his life, but this was not his plan. I know this is just a downer of a blog, but as I celebrate his memory, I am grateful for all of the health I and my family and friends currently enjoy. I am more grateful that I could ever express that I still have my mother, father, stepfather, brothers, sister,boyfriend, two grandparents, all of my aunts and uncles, brothers, sister, stepbrother and sisters, and cousins, and all of my friends in good health, still here with me.

and with that, go tell someone you haven't told in a while that you love them. Hug them. Kiss them. Pinch their cheeks. Be happy you have them.


~Jen

"Smile, I love you!”

Last night I hosted a film festival with some friends, and right away I went in to the event with a poor mind-set. I had to work right before I got there, so I was already worn out. Then, when we got there, we couldn’t play live music like we had planned. What's more, the folks that were having a show downstairs started taking all of our chairs. It felt like one of those nights where everything that could go wrong, was going wrong. Finally, a delightful friend of mine that was there sent me a text that said, “Smile, I love you!”

That’s when I thought to myself, “Yes! Smile! Just relax and have fun, because that’s all you have control over at this moment. It’s way more fun to be happy and not stressed out.” Then, the most unexpected thing happened; as soon as I let go and started to just have fun, the whole night got better. It was like the energy of the room shifted. The whole night ended up being a amazing success. The films were just wonderful! Like more fantastic than I could have hoped for, and I had to stop for a second and go, “I thought of this night. That’s pretty neat.” Now I in no way did the night alone. It takes a village! I have a really awesome village! I’m so grateful for all of my friends. I am the luckiest girl in the whole world.

I guess my point is; it’s better to have a good attitude no matter what, because it doesn’t feel any better having bad one. I knew that, but I needed someone from my awesome village to send me a little reminder. We all need reminders sometimes. I’m grateful for a few things, I’m grateful that I learned it’s better to relax and have fun. I’m grateful that I have people in my life now that really want to best from me, that want me to be a good person.

So take a look around at the people in your life, the things, the moments, and ask yourself: What are you grateful for?

This is one of the wonderful Films from the evening:

Today, I am grateful for the many wonderful technologies that allow me to update the blog from my phone!

What are you grateful for today?

Weird and Wonderful Periods

“If only there were a button somewhere that I could push. To force me to stop talking…” Angela [My So Called Life]

For years now I’ve felt like I was back in middle school again; just really weird, with bad hair, face full of zits and a stutter. I guess we all go through ‘the weird” period in our lives. But for the last few years, from ages 27 to 30—I’ve been a hot mess! Truthfully, the more I think about it, I’m so thankful. I feel like we all need those really weird and wonderful periods in our lives to make us grateful for the moments when everything feels, like, enough. But, also learn how to take all of the awkward-silly-moments with a grain of salt, and discover how to make those feel less crappy, maybe even make them feel funny or enjoyable.

To be totally honest, I’m really grateful that I’ve gone through a lot of uncomfortable moments in my life. It’s made me a better person. It’s made me compassionate and tolerant. It’s also taught me that who I am today, isn’t who I’m going to be tomorrow--Thank God for that!! The point is-- weird happens. When it does, it makes you a better person. Therefore, I’m grateful for all of “the weird” periods. Also, whatever doesn’t kill us, gives us a really awesome sense of humor, or a really excellent story. That’s what life’s all about at the end of the day, a really great story.

The girls

Since I was about twelve I've had them. They've grown up with me, in theory. Through thick and thin, good relationship and bad, weight loss (they never seem to get any smaller though), they have stood by my side. They have no choice-they're my boobs. When I was in high school I lost a lot of weight before prom, and excitedly went to find a dress. Problem was, my waist was a size 10, and my chest still needed a size 14. My mother ended up taking it in a bit, and I looked like Cinderella Barbie-teeny middle, huge tits. Another girl had on the same dress, and popular guys, because I was pretty much falling out of the top of it, kept coming over to tell me I looked better than she did. Not that I cared, we laughed at them for it, but it was just a funny thing to happen, to look back on. They have gotten the attention of the bartender to order drinks, gotten me free drinks at that, parts in shows, looks and compliments. I'm sure they've gotten me at least one job. So as much as I'd like the rest of me to be a bit smaller, they fit me well, I enjoy my 50's girl figure, and especially the way I fill out a dress.

So, today, I am grateful for my breasts. Someday after breast feeding they'll not be quite as pretty, but on that day, I'll be grateful for the little brats that made them that way. Hopefully ;)

Way Too Smooth

I often wish someone would write a book called, “What My Mother Forgot to Mention”. The very first chapter of that book would be called “Mom, Why do have hair there?” When I started going through puberty, I was reasonably prepared. My mother was always really candid with me, maybe a little too candid at times-- so I was completely prepared for leg hair, armpit hair, and “down there” hair. Needless to say, I was equipped for most things, or so I thought…

Then one day, I remember finding hair on my big toe and freaking out! I thought to myself, “Oh my god, I have too much testosterone in my body. Something’s wrong with me. This is awful. I’m the first girl ever to have hair on her big toe.” I was about eleven years old, and I go up to my mother and say, “Mom, is there something wrong with me? Was I born a boy? I have hair on my big toe.” She just started to laugh, “Oh yeah, all women do. Just shave it.” As I got older, I started to get chin whiskers too, (delightful) Again, I ran to my mother, and she just smiled and said, “I have them too, and so did your grandma and your kids will have them, just use the tweezers”. “Great!” I thought to myself, “Now I get to shave and pluck. Being a woman rules…not!”

The funny thing is; we’re raised to believe that women are these perfect hairless creatures. Yet, there’s so much we have to go through to maintain that, but we do it! Because we are women… and we are amazing like that! So today I’m grateful to everything and every person that helps me get rid of my body hair. Thank you, to my razor, Nair, Jolene bleach, tweezers, the lady that waxes my “down there” hair and eyebrows, and so many, many, many countless gadgets and doodads that go into my body hair removal. I would not be this smooth without you!

Also, I’m grateful for my Mom, because she never made me feel bad for any questions that I had.

If you live in New York City:
This is my favorite place to go, the girls are so nice! Also, the prices are reasonable.
http://myshobha.com/index.html

Work...yes, folks, I know...

how much I will produce that shift. On my first day coming from central supply to my new job as an instrument aide for the OR on the other side of the room (in our minds, a promotion, per diem to part time with benefits) they bought me a cake, a "welcome to the department we're really happy you're here" cake. Who else can say they got a cake on their first day? It was just such a lovely gesture, and they're the type of people who have really become aunts, cousins, sisters, and moms to me, looking out for me professionally and personally. And to think, I never even knew these jobs existed before I filled oBut truly, I am very grateful for my job, for both of my jobs, at the hospital. Granted, they are not for what I went to graduate school, or even have anything to do with my bachelor's degree, but in this economy, I am thankful I have one, let alone one that will offer me health insurance come August (I already got the cards in the mail! Weee!!) While I don't enjoy all of my co-workers (who does?), I have met some really great friends at this place, and even the people I don't enjoy working with are good people. It's a little family, and I like going there every day even if I don't always like the work, because I know when I get there the folks that will greet me actually care about me beyond how I leave my work station, how fast I'll complete my trays, orut an application that said I'd pretty much do any task at the hospital for money.

"Dancing Mirror"

Today I want to say how truly grateful I am for my mirror, otherwise known as my "dancing mirror". I've had a few through out the years, and it's a very important part of my life. I started dancing in front of the mirror when I was very little, like seven...with wigs and costumes, and not a whole lot has changed since then. I still love to get out the costume box, put on a wig or three, and play the best of the 90's, then dance until I'm dripping with sweat. I don't think I'm alone in this either, I believe lots of girls and maybe some boys love to dance alone in their room.

I'm grateful for my mirror for giving me an outlet on days when I'm sad, or bored, or anything! Because there's no wrong time to go into my room and get out the wigs, the girl scout uniform, and turn on some tunes! There's no wrong time to just dance like no one is watching! Dancing is the most wonderful thing in the whole world. It's like pure freedom. If you have a mirror, you have a partner. I just hope that as I get older, I never want to stop playing or being silly. I think that's what the mirror really is to me. It's playtime! It's knowing that I can be happy by myself. And That's pretty awesome! Thank You, Mirror!

The beach

When I was living upstate a few years ago, despite the fact that my roommate made my life unbearably uncomfortable and basically hell, I was really more put off by not living near water. I grew up on the Long Island Sound, and take for granted that not everyone lives on an island. Water makes everything better; when I wanted to write, I'd go to the water, when I wanted to think about life, I'd go to the water, when I needed to pine over a boy, I'd go to the water, when I wanted to appreciate a sunset with friends, I would go to the water. There's something about it that soothes my soul, and I realize that I need to live somewhere that isn't very far away from some large body of water or another. Not a lake though; there's something about water surrounded by trees on all sides that takes away the grandness, the life affirming scale of a body of water that can welcome a sunset into it's arms. I need that. And so, as much as I hate the fact that I am stuck at my parent's house for the time being, a victim of the economy and some bad life choices (but mostly the economy) I am grateful that I am able to live near the water again.




I am also grateful that my parents are kind enough to let me live here as I get myself back on my feet, but that's another blog for another day.....


~Jen

Because of Guy

Three years ago I was sitting on my couch, watching an episode of Beverly Hills 90210, when my boyfriend sits down beside me, and grabs my hand, and says “Monkey, Could you turn off the TV?”. I look at him nonchalantly, and keep watching 90210, because it’s an incredible episode, Dylan was returning, and I hadn’t seen it in a while, but then he shuts off the TV. “Monka, I’m sorry, you know I love you, but this isn’t working anymore”. I just glare at him, I’m totally taken a back and cold at this point. I feel like I've been hit by a car. I'm in shock, I can’t even look at him I feel so ill, “If that’s all you have to say? I’d like to finish my show…”. After that he just kept looking at me and crying, which I didn’t get? You just broke my heart! And interrupted my show, why are you crying? Men...?

Then a week later, I had to go to the hospital, because my heart had filled up with fluid and could barely beat, so they had to drain it. It's called a Pericardial effusion ("fluid around the heart"). My now ex-boyfriend thought he had some kind of super power, like the power to in fact “break my heart”. Which I think made him feel a little better. (Cough, cough, douche bag...) Although, in his defense, he was very good with me for that period. I spent two weeks in the hospital. When I got out of the hospital, I had to continue to live with him for a few months until I was recovered. Which in a way made me feel like we were still together. Which made it worse when I moved out. It felt like breaking up all over again.

Subsequently, a month after I moved out, he found a new girlfriend (she was ten years younger than him, and I referred to her as "The child", cause that was bitchy and being bitchy made me feel better); Honestly, this broke my heart and propelled me into an abyss of madness that I didn’t quite comprehend or know how to deal with. He was my first real love, I wasn’t moved on yet--How could he? and so immediately. Did I mean nothing? I was furious! I knew what I needed to do... get sexy and upgrade! I started going to the gym, I started eating healthy, I started writing, I started finding friends, I started trying to find me. And Then in January I found Guy.

It was just after the New Year and I was going to a Twelfth Night party. I wasn’t looking to meet anyone. Thus, I walk into this party, and I see this charming man with Ginger hair, who’s just way too good looking. He was like every guy who ever mocked me in high school. I just thought, there’s no way a guy like that would ever like a girl like me. But he was the only guy there at that point besides the host, so I started chatting with him. He was really nice. Later on that night, I even met some of his friends, who were amazing. (We’re actually still friends)

About a week later we went on a date, to me it went really well, and I was totally smitten…but sadly he wasn’t really. He liked me, but in a friendly way. The thing about me though, I fall head over heels right away. It’s pretty awful. But in an odd way, it ended up being the best thing in the world! Because of my fascination with him, I was happy to be anywhere in his life. Which made me go places, and meet people, I would not have met had I not been trying so hard to win his affection. Sometimes you win more by losing. Which sounds kind of odd, but it's true. I know now he and I would have been horrid together. But he was the first guy I liked after my relationship had failed, he was my first sign of hope. He was hope, he showed me there are other things out there. Maybe not Guy, but other things.

The truth is, Because of Guy, I’ve met some of the most wonderful people in the world, because of Guy, I’ve produced shows, and because of Guy I’ve found other love. Even though he and I were never meant to be, just by Guy being in my life, he gave me the love of so many more. That’s the greatest gift ever! So For that, I’m eternally grateful.

Sometimes people don’t need to be a huge part of your life, to make a huge impact.

The Best of Things

The ability to see the bright side, to see the light at the end of the tunnel is something people who already have it good take for granted. But when you fall, when you're at the bottom of the well with little hope of rescue, how difficult is it to stay positive about things? I often think about people in third world countries, and how for them the idea of "everything happening for a reason" would be a cruel joke. Yet they live, they love, they have a stamina that we as Americans will never comprehend.

My mother's best friend from childhood, Eileen, recently had a stroke. She's only in her early fifties, not in great shape but not in danger of having a TLC special dedicated to having to remove her from her house via a crane either. Sort of out of the blue. Completely a wake up call. To her, her children, her family, and mine. She had been completely and utterly depressed to the point of incapacitation. And with this sudden (possibly irreversible) loss of the use of one side of her body, this influx of visitors, of compassion, of care, she realized how much time she had lost being depressed and hiding behind her misery and her front door. Currently, she is still in rehab, making the transition from pureed to chopped food, making crafts, pushing herself around by her good food in her wheelchair, and, I discovered today, is even making friends. Watching her progress has been amazing, proving how incredible and resourceful the human brain really is. If she can work her way literally back on her feet, then I can surely get through a day with all of my perfectly working limbs without bitching about being fat or feeling inadequate and stupid. Visiting her makes me grateful, not just for her recovery, but for the thankfulness of life she has fostered in me.


This is heavy, thoughtful gratefulness, but anything you are grateful for is worthy of posting. Today it was toss up between this and coffee.


~Jen

Effortless Friendships

"I like my friendships like I like my coffee, light and sweet"

When I think about one of the things I'm most grateful for, I think about my friendships.I’m so grateful for all of my dear friends that are beautifully easy. I wish I had a better word, but I don’t. It’s the best way to describe these amazing people that I’ve been blessed with. They take very little effort. Not that I wouldn’t bend over backwards, or take a bullet for these people, because I would! My friends are like my family, and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for them. I’m lucky to have friends that are so light and easy. Folks I know I can call whenever, for anything. Buddies that will snuggle with me for hours. Friends that, no matter what, accept me and love me as I am. Which, to be totally honest is a little silly sometimes, and by "silly" I mean, crazy. The great thing is, they kind of love that about me...which is why they're wonderful! It’s pretty awesome when you can find people like that.

To all of those amazing friends out there, whether I see you everyday or once a year...I love you! I'm grateful for you everyday, but mostly thank you, for being easy.

Hello!

If you are reading this, you are either curious, grateful, bored, killing time, addicted to your smart phone, or a supportive friend of ours that was badgered into stopping by. In any case, welcome! As the name implies, this blog will be dedicated to all things positive. We hope by thinking, ourselves, of at least one thing a day for which we are grateful, we can booster a new hope and love for life. Cheesy sounding, we know, and we are all fairly jaded people in general, which is all the more reason to embark on a project such as this. Being positive, being able to not sweat the small stuff and make it through the large takes some big cojones, big contented cojones, and that is our mission: to grown some happy cojones. Sure, there will be days that are full of royal suckage, but even on those days, you can find just one thing for which you are thankful, even if it's that you've gotten through that trial or tribulation and get to pass the hell out, or have finally made your way to a glass of wine. It's different for everyone. And so is this blog.

Because we want everyone to join in, please make sure that any comments you might make contain one thing for which you are grateful on the day you are posting. We would love to see comments that are simply that, what you're thankful for that day, but feedback is also great.


And with that, here we are, the first grateful post, July 1st, 2010:


I am grateful for realizing how much I am loved, which was my impetus for creating this blog.






What are you grateful for today?

~Jen