Why, hello...

We're still here. We're still alive. We're still grateful. I took it as sort of a failure that we couldn't keep this thing going every single day, but that is not in the spirit of the blog. We have been doing great things, getting our lives together. We'll stop in from time to time. Today I am grateful that I got to stay home to rest today, and everyone at work was so accommodating about it, just wanted me to rest and get better. Really? My old boss wouldn't care if I worked till I passed out dead on the floor, unless this would cause a mess she had to clean up. And with that, I shall go to bed at 9pm to get up at 4:30am.


~Jen

Beep Beep

I've found that in the first few months of trying to be grateful for things, that I've just become more patient with life. Things that would have normally upset me, traffic, for instance, are now taken with a grain of salt. I think about the one thing I'm grateful for in the situation and it calms me down. I missed my train because no one knew how to use the ticket machines, but the next train allowed me to get the snack I most desperately needed and I still had a seat on the train in which to fall asleep. It's easy most of the time, my only challenge being driving. I am one nasty bitch when I drive, because most people on Long Island don't know how to, and I know in saying that I'm still being aggressive, but it's true. So, my new goal is to be calm while driving. My boyfriend can attest to how crazy I get, so only he and my mother know how big of a deal this will be, but I will write another post on another day, updating my progress. Because there WILL be progress.

I have all that I need

It's a funny thing to look around and say, "I have all that I need". Because we live in a world that always tells you, "more is more". But to be totally honest, I have all that I need. This is not to say that I don't desire more in my life, we all have desires. But I don't need anything else in my life. I am content. That's huge for me!! I have so much love, and perhaps not the love that people write about in fairy tales or romance novels, but my life is full of joyful and loving friends that fill my heart with more joy than I've had in years. More joy than I've had from a "real" relationship with a "Boyfriend", so to me, this is as real as any love you could find in a romance novel. I'm having "friendmances" and they kick ass! Plus, I have a show that I look forward to seeing go up every month. I have a job and co-workers I very much enjoy. So, to me, I guess I want to be grateful for having all that I need. I'm not a religious person, but at the same time, I do thank god everyday for the people that have been brought into my life, as well as the ones that have remained for all of these years. Honestly, I'm a lucky duck! I really am.

Lunch

I am super grateful that my new job provides really great free lunch every day that there's surgery, which is pretty much every day...


:)

Because the love you save today may very well be your own (Take Your Time, Do it Right)

“Because the love you save today may very well be your own” Joe Tex

I was chatting with a friend a few months back about this boy that I liked, yet another hopeless chap. But just like the last boy, this one was “Perfect” he was “the one” and just like the last boy, he didn’t last very long (shocker). My friend gave me this very simple and awesome piece of wisdom, “Why don’t you just focus on you?”... What? I thought to myself. I’ve never done that. I suck at that! There are always a million other more interesting things to focus on (Facebook). Then, I really thought about what he was saying, and I remembered how awesome I am (I am awesome!). I thought, maybe doing myself (not like that) wouldn’t be so bad. 

So I decided the first thing I needed to do was; trim the fat, focus on what’s present. In the past, I’ve wasted a huge amount of time and energy on boys. I was a late bloomer, and not super attractive until I was older, so when guys started finally talking to me in a non “you’re just like my sister” fashion, I didn’t want to stop talking to them. I was soooo excited! Like, You’re attracted to me? Me? Are you sure? At this point I should be over it. But when you’re the fat ugly duckling your whole life, and now hot boys like you, it’s a shock to the system. I’d fall in love with all of them. I suck with boys that I like. You’d think I would be better because I’m 30, but I’m awful! If you want to see a train wreck, watch me around a boy I have a serious crush on. 

At any rate, I stopped dating and I was instantly happier. Instantly lighter, Like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Sure! I miss things like sex, getting my boobs touched, and kissing (Oh man, do I miss kissing!), and snuggling. But my life is simple now. I don’t look at my phone with the hope of some boy texting me. I’m not sad anymore because someone’s not bothering to see how awesome I am. I don’t care. Now the people that I want to see, I do see. They know and love me just as I am. I can give all of the love I have in my heart without restraint. That’s a pretty amazing feeling. 

So yeah, I totally miss getting kissed, but I was thinking about that. Here are my thoughts on that one. All good things in life come to those who wait. So, Fudge it! I'm going to get kissed again, and it's going to be awesome! But I'm going to take my time from now on. Everything in life is better when you relax and take it slow. 

The next part was, do what I love! Be Creative! Like the Nike ad, “Just do it!”. I took improv classes at The Pit. My friend Tim came up with this brilliant idea to do live readings of fan fiction. We started doing that together. Doing simple things that filled my heart with joy, things that made me happy. Because I’m learning, at the end of the day, it’s truly not about anyone else, it’s simply not! It’s only about me in this life. But if I’m a joy to be around, other people will want to be around me more. Therefore, if I keep being a selfish prick, people will really like me. 

The last part was; just be okay with me. Like Popeye says, “I am what I am and that’s all that I am.” This part is called a process. Being truly “cool” with yourself is a process. I’ve always been a weirdo. Sometimes I love that part of myself, but sometimes I hate it. There are days when I’m in my own head, and I’m actually telling myself, Why can’t you just be normal? But, I’m just me. I’m trying to just let things be okay. To be happy with the fact that, I may never be normal. That I may not ever be the smartest girl, or care about sports, politics, animals, really anything other people traditionally care about. But that I’m awesome just as I am. Because, I’m myself. No one will ever be Missy Moser again. There’s a reason why I’m here. That reason is to be awesome! 

One a side note: I read this wonderful thing! I read that if you love everything, even the tree and the stars, if you love them with no need of anything or anyone loving you back, because you simply love the act of loving--that the universe will know, and the love will come back to you from unknown sources. I think that’s totally true. Sometimes, I think people don’t like me, because I’m pretty nice and reliable. People like people to be all shitty these days for some reason, it’s hard for me to not get sad, because I want to feel like there’s a reason I’m a good person. I think that’s why I needed to read that. I’m not good for payment. I’m good because it feels good. Not because I need something in return. It’s good to be good. Don’t get me wrong, I still do shitty things. We all do. But I try to be a good person. I try to love as much as I can everyday! 

I’m grateful that I’m working on me. 

Get Lost

When I was little I used to get every blanket and pillow in the house together and make a nest in the living room, from a young age I'd always had an affinity for small spaces. I even used to nap in the linen closet, curled up into a tiny ball on the second shelf, hidden away from everyone. So it no wonder that I live in New York, where everything is cramped and it's easy to get lost. Perhaps that's one of my favorite things about New York; my ability to get lost. I even love the sound of that phrase...ggggeeeetttt  llllllooooosssttttt. To some folks that might seem like the worst thing in the whole world. Not to me! To me that's wandering through Central Park, seeing a movie alone with my pax salad, writing in a diner or at Starbucks (Free Wifi), or simply walking nowhere. I'm grateful for my "getting lost" time. We all need that time where it's just ourselves being happy being ourselves. There's no greater time than now to fully enjoy getting lost.

I'm Grateful For Love Stories

Lately I've been doing this really silly thing where I ask couples, "How did you fall in love?" I've actually always done this. But I've been doing it a lot. Because people love telling a good love story, and I love hearing them. I love hearing them because, they give me hope. I've never heard a story that sounded like another story. Not to mention, there's no way to tell a bad "how we fell in love" story. Even the worst story teller can tell a good love story. I guess I'm always grateful that no matter what, at the end of the day, there will always be new love stories. There is always something wonderful around the corner when you aren't looking for it. People are always surprising you. The beauty of love is, there's no wrong way to do it. The only wrong way to love is to not love at all. Even if you're already in love, go ask other couples how they met. It's one of the sweetest stories people have to tell. One day, I can't wait to tell my own. :)

So, after repeating over and over that I would find a job in the city that would pay me a certain amount and having it appear almost out of the blue exactly as I kept saying, I am now starting to repeat things over and over to myself in my head as I drive. Today it's been, "I will pay off my bills, I will pay off my bills, I will pay off my bills." It will happen. Apparently, if I work hard and chant about things happeninf, they happen. It could all be coincidence, but if it makes me feel like I'm doing something, than it can't hurt. Last night I was just grateful to make $8 at the restaurant and ended up breaking $100, unheard of for a holiday or a Monday. Being grateful really helps, or me at least...

Not giving up

I keep forgetting about this blog, but I'm not giving up. Its only been two months. We can do this. I can do this.

Today I was thinking how grateful I was for rainy days driving in the car with classical music playing. It gives me a feeling I can't describe, a memory not yet created, or relived again. I'm grateful that I can appreciate the rain, that it doesn't make me sad, but feels like life, because it feeds the plants, the earth, and it feels good the day after when the breeze is cool on your skin.

I am not giving up.

Hard

When we started this venture, I didn't realize how hard it was going to be to write 365 days worth of things we're grateful for. It is. very. So today I'm just going to list a few things that I happened to be thankful for as my day progressed:

Waking up next to my boyfriend
The subway
The sun
My puppies
My car
My friend Gary driving me to work
Coffee
Work
Coffee
Not having anything to do at work
Having awesome loving friends
Having an understanding and awesome mother


Just a few. Time to pass out :)

The Bright Side

It's hard to look on the bright side of things when they get suddenly super shitty all at once (you know, dealing with a bug infestation of your living quarters while you wait for your super late period to come and feel like your going to go insane, along with people starting to question your choice of taking a new job you're very excited about, not huge things, but enough to make someone freak out a little bit after a few 17 hour days of work in a row) but after being positive for so long, it makes it a bit easier. So today, I was grateful that I have been forced into really getting rid of a lot of clothes I don't need. I will donate them. They will make some other person happy. I will lose tons of weight and get new hotter, hipper clothes. I kept saying I WILL find a job in the city, and then I did. It's like meditation. Try it with someone you want with all your heart. I want with all my heart to be thin and beautiful. And I will be. I will.

Chris Garneau

For about two months now, I've been listening to Chris Garneau non-stop! I love him. He's just this strange lovely man. I don't even know why I love him so much? I just do. I think it's because he's so silly and awkward, but also really sad. I've always loved things that are sweet and sour. Chris has been my soundtrack for the past few month. He's really been there for everything. I'm glad he's been there for such a nice time in my life.

I'm so sorry!

I have not been a very good blogger, mainly because all these great things are happening in my life, and I keep forgetting. I'm pretty sure that all of the wonderful things that keep coming at me are because I've been grateful for what I had, and the universe and thanking me for me thanking it, and giving me presents. But not presents such as a Wii, more like a job in my city of choice, super understanding bosses who are willing to keep me on the schedule till we figure out if this new job is a good fit, supportive boyfriend, friends and family, and a new outlook on how my life might be. I feel like the more positive I am, the more grateful I am for what I already have, the better everything is, even if it hasn't changed a bit. Ive just got to keep on keepin on, and things will be better than ever.

Love Today

I fall in love daily. It's horrible, silly really. I suppose it's because people are just so darn fascinating to me, and also every person brings out something different in you. Or you find something you love about somebody, or love about yourself when you're  with that person. I don't mean "love, love" I mean even like "friendship love". Either way, love is awesome! These are some of the ways I really love to love! (This might very well be the gayest thing ever written.)

Some people bring out the child in you and you can act really silly around them, Like they'd make you want to build tents in the living room, and get every flashlight in the house out, and go inside that tent with every book, blanket, and pillow you have and frigging laugh so hard your stomach hurts, and you piss yourself a little. Just somebody so silly, I could say "Hey, let's take a bath in our bathing suits together like we we're five!" they'd be like, "you're crazy, but let's do it!! You bring the ducky, I'll bring the bubbles."

 Then there are some people who help to relax you, like you could just sit in a park all day, Or maybe at the beach... in the sun, with the waves crashing at your feet. They bring a quiet to your head and you can snuggle with them all day in bed. They'll tickle your back and rub your head. You could talk to them, but they are the kind of people where it's not necessary for words to be said, because everything is said in a look, a friendly smile, or a gentle touch. 

Some people make you think, Those are the people that make me weak, the ones I can play idea tennis with...who serve the ball back. The ones who inspire you to write, sing, dance or paint. Even make a business plan. People that think outside the box.

Some just makes you horny, those are fun too. Who doesn't like a little playtime? A good kiss and hugs too. I mean if they happen to cup a boob, that's fine too. A good cupping never hurt me, and it never hurt you.

Some are lovely for the things they do everyday, for just being really consistent and kind, and that every time you go out, you always have a great time. They treat their friends and family well, they treat your friends well too. The "All the little things" person. That is the most important person of all. May we all be so lucky to have at least one of those, even if it is "just a friend". 

People are delightful! I'm so very grateful for all of the many ways I can fall in love, for my friendship or otherwise. Because when you make love, you have love and then you can't get smitten by love. Love should always be something active. It's everywhere! There's lots of it! You should make as much of it as you can. Be grateful for all of the love you have, and all the love you give.   

Bed

I'm a bad girl and missed a day. Sorry blog followers!! I've been working 17 hour days a lot. Granted, I did have two days off in a row for the first time in what seemed like forever, but nonetheless, I am writing this after my second 17 hour day in a row. And just before I remembered that I had forgotten again, I swung my feet up on my bed and thought, boy am I grateful for this feeling, for the sheets over my toes, the give of the mattress under my legs, the pressure now lifted from my aching arches. I'm lucky that when I first had to move back home, my mother felt bad, and purchased a new mattress for the day bed in my room, my first new mattress in her house in about fifteen years or so. It was on sale and they took some money off cause it was scuffed on the bottom, and threw in a mattress cover. I could not be happier with my silly little child bed. It comforts me on nights like this. If only I could stay in it more than six hours tonight....

Going Back

A friend of mine once said, "The heart doesn't break, it breaks open." Well, the last time it broke open it felt like shit! And I need a break. I'm kidding. I do think that whatever doesn't kill us, makes us stronger, or at least more creative. The point is, it does something.  

What the hurt did for me? I stopped dating. My heart had been hurt one too many times. I needed to start over again. I needed to press to reset button. I had become too jaded. I forgot how nice simple things are, like friendships, girl dates, family nights, and time alone. I forgot what it was like to not  have anything strange in my life. I forgot what it was like to not have some kind of strange motive. To live a simple life, which sounds super lame, but it's nice. 

But even more so, I forgot how thrilling the very thought of kissing is now. The act of holding hands. The thought of cuddles. I feel like I'm 12 years old again. I guess that's why I just want friends. I just want to take things slow. I want to talk to guys. I want to play. I want to really get to know someone first, and I want all of those things to be special for me again.

So I'm grateful for the unexpected right now. I'm grateful for friendship and taking my time. Because I know that one of these days, when I'm not paying attention, one of these friends are going to pull a fast one on me. But it's going to be okay. Because this time, I know, no matter what, I took my time. I got to enjoy all of the little things. This time, the timing was right, because we both took our time. 

This was supposed to be yesterday, but I am truly grateful for gaining such a wonderful friend as Missy. I love you!

Fake Twitter Lovers

I'm grateful for all of the fake Twitter accounts. I don't know what I would do without my daily dose of Garey Busey, Jesus and Hiter! Oh, how the tickle my belly and fill me up with such joy! I laugh out loud everyday. They've become my boyfriends and my naughty lovers. They're the first people I see in the morning, and the last before I go to bed. I love them so much. Thank you fake Twitter lovers.

The Mic

Tonight, for the first time in about five years, I put on a guitar and played a song I wrote and sang it. And it felt awesome. There were only a few people in the audience, but I feel right back into my old banter and band playing and good singing routine. My songs are pretty good, my guitar playing is god awful, and my banter is light and funny, and while I only did two songs, one of my which my friend larrin was kind enough to play for me, halfway through the one I tried to perform solo, it just felt right again. She wants me to play more with her, to get me back on stage, and I probably will, even if it's not my "calling". I'm just very grateful that I had the opportunity to do something I didn't even know I missed.

Auto Pilot

I've been really busy lately, which is a good thing. But today at work, I felt like I was suddenly hit with a ton of bricks; then someone dropped a piano on me, and Mike Tyson kicked me in the head for good measure. I was just really tired. I know that this is how a lot of people are everyday, and way worse than I am. I mean, I don't even have a family to worry about at the end of my days, and I still felt like a zombie today. I guess today I'm really grateful for all of the free coffee at work. I'm grateful that I didn't really need to talk to anyone. Because, my brain can barely function right now.I'm grateful that I get to go home and relax soon, or maybe go see a movie alone. Anything that doesn't involve me thinking sounds just awesome!

second chances

I am very lucky that in the case of most of my ex boyfriends, I am still friends. One in particular I stay very good friends with, and I realized last night that another one of my very good friends, a girl, might actually be the answer to both of their problems of "single life whoa is me I need to be married already". Thinking about it today, passing around numbers (they already knew each other, the seed was just planted), trying to arrange casual meetings, it made me very happy to play yente to them, and it made me realize that it's very true-sometimes things need to fall apart so better things can come together. My ex and I were not meant to be forever, but I enjoy him as a friend, and if I can help him and my other friend find happiness with each other, then that could have been the answer all along. When things were breaking up, I would have thought otherwise, obviously, as when you're deep in the thick of losing love, you don't have anything positive to think about anything, you are just drowning in tears and sadness and hagen das. But a few day, weeks, or years down the road, you're fine. You've moved on. You've found someone who's a better fit, who really cares about you even when you eat your hagen das. And you realize that there's somebody out there better for the other person too. Or (for the real jerks out there, not this particular ex) they'll get what they deserve ;) (which could just be to get the "girl or boy of their dreams" and have it turn out to be not as green as they thought it would be).

So, I am grateful that the heart does heal and that sometimes things can seem to happen for the reason, even if the universe is random.

~Jen

Pleasure Than In Peace

Right now, I'm just working on what  The Buddha taught: N’atthi santi param sukham. This means, literally, “There is no greater pleasure than peace.” I'm trying to look for what feels good and brings me joy, light and peace. I'm avoiding or trying to avoid things that make me sad, and give me nothing in the end. 

It sounds all very gay and hippie. But, I'm trying to just go for things that are present. That I can actually, see, hear, touch, yadda-yadda. I work on what I have. Not what I don't. While I still have slip ups here and there. I've been a lot "happier". I'm quoting that, cause I'm me, and l'll always be a little jaded. I'm like sweet and sour sauce from McDonald. 

Anyway, It's like in meditation, when they say to focus on the breath, but you also need to understand and be okay with the fact that things will take you away from that. Don't dwell on them. Just note that your mind has wandered, and bring it back to the breath. But don't get upset and start telling yourself what a loser you are, cause that won't do anything. 

That's true with life. Just be present. Have a good time, love what's right in front of you. I'm grateful that I'm finding pleasure in peace.

A road rage kind of day

Definitely. Traffic. Stupid people. A short period of time to accomplish the trip I had planned. The makings of a classic case of Chura road rage. I was fine on the ride TO said destination, but coming home, knowing I had to make it there in time for a certain furry friend (ahem, BUSTER the puppy) to not "make" on the floor in the few minutes he would be loose between my brother going to work and me arriving at the house. Old people, stupid people, arrogant rich people, inconsiderate pedestrians (please, people, we're on LONG ISLAND. You cannot get anywhere by WALKING. Public transportation is not reliable. You need a car, or a loved one with a car, or a friend with a car, or even an acquaintance that remembers to bathe with a car). One by one, they plagued my hurried ride. And then, as I approached the last straw, road work, I noticed the guy with the sign. You know, the one that tells you to either slow down or stop, getting paid to stand there for hours. My mother always thought it must be a pretty good gig, because apparently they get paid a lot, but I wouldn't want to have everyone trying to get everywhere angry at me all day, $18 an hour or not. Anyway, the guy with the sign, yes. As I approached the mess of dirt, trucks, and smog ahead of me, I thought that the guy with the sign was giving us all important pieces of information-how long up the road it was one lane, how long the road work would take, detours and the like, but as I got closer, I realized that it was nothing of the kind. He was giving a different happy greeting to everyone who passed. The car ahead of me got a wave, and as I drove up, he pushed his cap up with one finger, like a cowboy, and flashed me a big toothy grin. I couldn't help but smile back, he seemed so happy to be doing everyone this service of letting them get around the working men. It was the highlight of my day, and it kept me sane till I finally arrived home. I don't know who that kid was, but today I am grateful that he is happy enough in life to pass a little of it on to everyone. He will do great things some day, of this I am sure.

Everyday is Another Chance

Not all stories have the great endings we all hope for. The boy doesn't always have the great epiphany that he loves the girl. He doesn't jump out of a cab that's stuck in traffic, and start racing down the street to catch her at a party to admit his undying love to her. These things only happen in the movies. In real life, you tell your roommate "you love him". He has little to no reaction. Life continues as it always has. As if nothing was even said, as though your words meant nothing to him, because they didn't. Because, he loves you, just not like that.

Then one day he says he's moving. This is the big ending to the "movie" or your life. His big goodbye is when he jiggles you in your sleep, and tells you goodbye and he'll call you soon. Then what really happens is four months go by, and few awkward call that only make you feel like shit. Soon you have to move. But he's not calling. Now you have a house full of his stuff and your stuff, and you have to move it all alone. His final goodbye is a middle finger! Like I said, Not all stories have great endings.

But the thing we forget is, this is actually where the real movie begins. That's what I'm grateful for in life, everyday is another chance to start over. While everything you hoped for may not work out, there's always going to be something else. It's like the saying, when one door closes, another opens.

And while life didn't turn out the way I thought it would, I'm far happier with the way it's turning out. Life is what you make it, make it kick ass!

work

Today, I really had to focus on being grateful for having any work at all, even if I hate it. This weekend in general, really, as Saturday, while only requiring me to work one job, was still trying, with nasty nurses and inhuman working conditions plaguing my every move. Today, it was just the number of hours of continuous work that got to me, and when I was finally home, I felt like a zombie. It took all of my energy to take a shower, but as soon as I got out (about ten minutes ago) I could really take a step back and actually be grateful for the fact that I have employment. Granted, it is not yet employment that can fully support me, but it is something. And even thinking back to the OR nurse who tried to blame me for her mistake (she thanked me for helping her in the end), I'm glad I experienced and lived through this day, if only for it giving me perspective on everything else in the world, or at the very least, convincing me to go back for ANOTHER degree that might get me somewhere in life....

The More Love You Make...

“The hardest part of love is to stop searching, and allow love to stumble upon you. Do not seek the crafty eccentric that is love, for it works in very unfeasible ways. When it’s your time to be discovered, Love will find you, and when Love does, lend Love a hand and discover it too!” ~some shit I made up, yeah baby!

Love is the most magnificent phenomenon in the world. Love can open up the gates of heaven right here on earth. Love can bring you pleasure and illumination that you could not have imagined otherwise. Love at its best is uncomplicated and wonderful. It’s like having a best friend and a lover all rolled up in a crazy love burrito. It’s like the greatest thing in the world. But you can’t look for love. You discover it, stumble upon it or fall in it. Which is really strange sounding, actually. Love seems to be the only thing we ever want to “fall in”. I mean, for the most part, besides love; “falling in” something more often than not is something we try to steer clear of in life. It’s also not fun when you’re falling into anything alone, and the other person is looking at you, like: Why are you such a loser?

Recently I’ve been really thinking about what it’s supposed to actually feel like when love is the right fit. Maybe it’s just like the word “Fit”. I mean it in terms of clothing. Like when you go to a dressing room to try on something, but some things are too tight, too big, too long, too short, too blue, too yellow, not yellow enough, that pair of acid washed jeans looked perfect on the rack, but...and that’s kind of how love is.

On the contrary, sometimes you find that perfect outfit, which seems like it was made in the heavens just for you. It fits every inch of your body perfectly, and makes you look ten pounds lighter. That’s kind of what I think it will be like when you meet the right person. You won’t have too think so much, and they will just be tailor made for you, and all the little weird and wonderful things that make you, you. But you have to go through a lot people that don’t fit you first, and you might try to make them fit. OH, YOU’LL TRY! But you’ll fail and fail and fail. Until one day, when it’s the right fit, it’ll be easy.

The truth is, it’s never easy, until it is easy. When that happens, it’s amazing! But, It’s never easy to control our emotions. Sometimes we think we’ve found that perfect person. Except that person doesn’t feel the same way. That’s just the worst feeling in the world. Because we know that they can’t control how anyone feels, but at the same time, why can’t they see what you see? Which is…how utterly amazing you both are together! But they can’t. Cause they don’t feel that way, or they’re gay, or straight, too old, too young, they’re black, or white, or yellow, or they don’t have hair, or bad teeth, or they’re dry funny and you like a different kind of funny. There are a million reasons why people aren’t on the same page, but whatever the reason is, it really sucks ass!

I guess at the end of the day, you have too learn that while you can’t love everyone romantically, you can still deeply care and love people in a friendly way. That’s not always easy to do when you’re waiting for them to realize that way deep down they actually do love you, but if you get over that little hump...You can share a very loving friendship together. However, if you can’t? I highly recommend not having a friendship with that person; because it will be filled with a deep silent pain that will slowly crush your spirit and break your heart.

I guess what I'm grateful for in all of this is, there are lots of clothes to choose from, and when I'm not thinking about it, I'm going to walk into some store and that perfect outfit will be there! It will be so easy, just like love should be, and I won't ever want to take that outfit off. No matter how jaded I get. I'm the most grateful for love, in any form! We have no greater gift in life than to love. Plus, it's a gift that keeps on giving. Because the more love you make, the more love you take.

Where to begin?

Since I've been trying to be in the habit of thinking about what i'm grateful for for over a month now, I'm starting to realize how much I really do have to be super thankful for. I'm also starting to add a "grateful" to every crappy thing that comes my way. I'm not happy that I'm living at home, but I'm grateful that my parents let me stay for only kicking in a few bucks for groceries a week. I hate what I must do for work but I'm grateful I have jobs. These nurses are really nasty but I'll be leaving soon, it's my choice to let them get to me or not, it's my own choice to get angry. This positive thinking has been like a virus spreading in my brain-no, virus is too negative-a vaccine then? In any case, it has taken over, and while it is not full force all of the time, it is working it's magic. I may not get two days in a row off, but thankfully, most of the time my day off coincides with my boyfriends, and I'll have the night before free, so I get a day and a half. I am grateful for that. It's gotten to the point where I have so many things for which I am grateful, I find it hard to pick what to write this blog about. I suppose it makes for better reading if I come to this realization towards the end of out 365 days, but it makes for better living if it is starting to happen already. So, to everyone who actually reads what Missy and I write, go find your inner Pollyanna. There are worse things you could be called ;)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pollyanna_principle


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0V7raj1gh-M&feature=related


~Jen

More Like My Mom.

When I was little, I can remember hating how odd my family was. Wishing that my mom would be normal. I just wanted a mom that didn't burp, fart, and curse all the time. I didn't want a mom that would talk to everyone in the world. I didn't want an outgoing mom. I wanted a stay at home mom. I used to pray to god at night that he would make my mom act like a normal mom.

However, My little brother always had a better sense of humor about this, he thought she was great. I took no such joy from my mother's antics. I thought she lived to horrify me. At least when I was little. But I was a very serious child. Perhaps I needed such a mother? I needed a mom that was silly and outgoing, that would talk to everyone. She pushed me to get out of my comfort zone. She taught me a good lesson: What's the worst that's going to happen if you put yourself out there? What's the worst that going to happen? She's never been afraid to say or do anything in her entire life. She's not afraid to be wrong, or look stupid, because at the end of the day she loves to laugh at herself. Because, she loves life more than anyone I've ever known. I'm grateful to have such a woman in my life. I hope to continue to be as wonderfully brave and loving as she is. She's the light of my life. I love her more than anyone. I love her farts and everything. I grateful for all of her!

This song goes out to my Mommy-tulla

Don’t Get Mad, Get Kind

Tonight I learned a valuable lesson; tonight I lost all of my grace, if I had any to begin with? I totally lost it. I’ve been really busy lately with moving to a new apartment, working all the time, trying to assist with Monday Night Fan Fiction, and just trying to keep my head on straight. This evening I had a meeting to figure out how to better promote our show, I was thrilled! Honestly, MNFF is one of my favorite things in the world right now. So when I asked yesterday if I could leave early, it wasn’t a problem. However, the girl that was supposed to work this evening wasn’t at work today. It was a different co-worker. It was the "Evil" co-worker. She’s one of those people that just goes out of her way to screw other people over. She’s gets some kind of sick joy out of others misery.

As soon as I saw her I knew I was totally screwed. I asked again if it was still okay if I leave at 7:00pm? But as soon as I ask, she says, "Well actually I think I want to leave early." I start to boil over inside. I can feel my whole face heating up. "I knew this was going to happen!" I think to myself. Then, I literally lose my shit right there, throw off my vest and throw my pilot pen to the ground, "That's it! I'm quitting! I don't care anymore. This place is bullshit." Then my super sweet manager pulls me into the office and gives me the old, "Don't quit like this..." speech. I try to calm myself down as much as I can, but my whole body is shaking. I'm filled with such rage right now, that I'm not in my right mind, I finally look over to her and without thinking I blurt out, "You're the worst Christian woman ever! You just go out of your way to do vindictive things to people and it's horrible. You make God weep, you're so evil." Then she left the office and said I'd lost my mind, which may have been a little true, or a lot true. Then she said she was going to call the cops, and I was like, "Call them!! Tell them I said you were a shitty Christian."

The thing was, as I sat there at my desk, I realized at the end of the day, all of my anger didn't do anything. It just made me more angry. Nothing was solved. I hated feeling like that. I hated feeling so out of control. I was totally insane tonight. I'll admit that. While I do think that woman goes out of her way to do horrible things to people, I don't need to react in such a manor. I should have had more grace (or any at all). I know I have a bad temper. I know it's something that I'll always need to work on. I guess in life, it's not about everyday or every moment being the best. It's just about learning to make better choices the next time. I guess what I mean is, I didn't need to call her a bad Christian. Even though it felt super awesome. It didn't really serve a purpose. I need to be more mindful of my actions. I wasn't at all. I forgot to be kind even though I was really angry. I didn't take the high road.

I'm grateful that there's always tomorrow to make a fresh start. Hopefully, next time I'm angry, I won't get mad, I'll get kind.

Happy Anniversary!!

It's been one month! We're still at that point, like when you're in the beginning of a relationship in 8th grade, where we're so new we can celebrate each month, though unlike that same relationship, we will last a year. In any case, I type this with bruised fingers, because I've spend the evening playing a guitar, something I haven't done in years. It felt really good. What feels like a century ago, more like five years ago, I was such a regular at open mic night that people knew the words to the songs I had written. I was never very good at guitar, but I am a singer if nothing else in this world, and my songs weren't half bad. Tonight, I am thankful that my friend Larrin asked me to sing a song or two at her gig, and is actually playing them for me so I don't embarrass myself. I forgot how much I loved to sing, how much it is a part of me, how it is something about which I never doubt myself. I AM a singer. I forgot.



~Jen

one of those days

when it's hard to be grateful for anything, on these days, I can be thankful for this man's voice and how it can make me happy and sad that the same time, take me to NYC or Paris, allow me to cry if I need to, and make me feel a little less alone in the world. Thank you, Rufus Wainwright.

I'm Going for Myself

I’m grateful that I’ve taken a breather from dating for a little bit, or possibly forever (I'm kidding, I'm too romantic and gay). Anywho, Today at work one of my co-workers said, “You seem so happy, are you seeing someone?” and the truth is, I’ve been a lot happier, because I’m not seeing anyone. Because for the first time in forever I don’t have too care about checking my phone, dressing up, looking cute, shaving my legs (not that I ever did), I only need to care about myself. I guess in a way, I should have been doing that all along, but, better late than never. Right now, as James Carr would say, "I'm going for myself now"...

The little things

Today, I am grateful for the little things in life that make me happy, such as stationery. I went shopping with my mom, and came upon the back to school aisles. It really makes me wish I was still in college, studying something, so that I could stock up on pens, paper, notebooks, binders, staples, paperclips, folders, highlighters, pencils....sigh. I love the smell, the feel, organizing them, using them. When I was little, I wanted to be a college professor at some point so that I would always have to go stocking up on such things, and then quickly changed my mind when I realized how much effort getting to that point would take. Now I have a master's in education, probably because subconsciously I knew I'd need an ungodly supply of crayons eventually.

Sometimes, I buy notebooks and pens I don't need. Because someday I might need them. they call to me. Especially when it's a good deal. Because nobody loves a good deal more than me. That's a blog for another day....


~Jen

“Wrong” is the New Right

I’m grateful for being intense (AKA “Crazy”). I used to hate it, but I guess—after 30years, I’m finally starting to chill out and say, “This is just who I am. I’m just a wild and crazy girl!” I think for years now I’ve really tried to not be, but the truth is; this is just me, You know? And like the great and powerful Popeye says, “I am what I am, and that’s all that I am”. I don’t want to feel bad about anymore, cause I’m splendid! What I’m learning is, sometimes you can think something is a liability, an imperfection your whole life that keeps you from moving forward. Then one day, you have this moment and realize that your limitation is actually your greatest strength. The truth is, we are all full of beautiful imperfections. Everyone is totally messed up in this amazing way. It’s how we use those amazing imperfections, that truly makes us remarkable.

I’m grateful that I’m starting to not detest my imperfections, because, they’re a part of who I am, and don’t want to hate something that’s so clearly me. I’m grateful that I’m intense. I’m pretty sure that’s what’s going to make me a million dollars one day. I guess I’m grateful that I’m starting to finally see that, maybe all of the things that were so wrong, were actually so right!

Warning: Mushiness ahead.

I was advised today, after gushing like a little girl, to write a blog about how obnoxiously in love I am. As I am not a girly girl, I'm not one to announce these types of things normally, but it's not often that I encounter the type of thing that makes all of the sappy songs on the radio make sense. It came out of nowhere, and from the very beginning, it was comfortable and easy. Now, that's not to say it wasn't exciting, just, well, to continue with my already professed mood of mushiness, right. My brother, upon my first date exiting the car, being dropped off after a movie, pizza, a kiss, and hand holding on the way home, asked, "do they fit?"
"Do what fit?" I couldn't imagine what he meant.
"Your hands. Do they fit? Paul Reiser says in his book, Couplehood, that a couple's hands should fit, if they're a good match, and that he and his wife's hands fit. Do yours fit?"
I remember not wanting to answer, not feeling comfortable with that boy, or talking about a boy I may or may not have liked at the time. "Yes," I replied, because I knew it would make him happy. "They fit."
But they didn't. And in the past, I've twisted and bent and contorted to make my hands fit into positions they did not find pleasing, because I wanted so badly to be "complete" as the girly movies call it.

I'm sorry to tell you all, that being complete is really about finding and loving yourself, and once I was able to do that, I was able to love someone else. Someone who makes love songs make sense. Someone whose hands fit. Truly, this time.



~Jen

I have once again missed a deadline but for good reason-i got to see my boyfriend's mother, whom I adore, dear friends, shop, eat, and perform! A grateful day!

Good Race

Today I'm grateful for deadlines. They are the ticking time bomb of life. I'm moving at the end of this month. No matter what, I have to be out of my apartment by the end of this month. I just found out, in addition to packing and moving my stuff; I now have the luxury of getting rid of all of my previous roommates stuff. He has left me with it and isn't coming back. A stress I wasn't really expecting. I just have to man-up and deal with it though, because I have a deadline! Also, because crying and doing nothing about it, won't make his stuff go away.

Although, sometimes we have good deadlines, things we look forward to finishing. We even race to finish them before they need to be done! We stress a little, but it's a great stress! The kind that makes you feel alive! The truth is, I love deadlines because they show you what you're made of. At the end of the day, whatever happens, happens. I think Nike said it best when they said "Just do it!"... because that's all you can do. Even when life's kicking you, and you're freaking out. You just gotta do it. But when it's great, then it's like this awesome feeling of, "yeah, I'm doing it!" Either way, good or bad, you know...you learn, you can make it through anything.

I'm grateful for these little tests that show, I can make it through anything. With every good race, you need a finish line, otherwise you're just running in circles.

Love love love

When I get home, I am greeted by the squealing and yelping of two crazy pups. Every time. Buster, the beagle puppy, cries as though he thought you were never coming back and that you've been gone for years. Maggie shows you a toy, and give you her butt to scratch, after she's smelled your hair, of course. Oliver, the fluffy orange cat, flirts at everyone with his tail, pleading for pets, and Fuzzy just waits for someone to come pet her (but not brush her, she'll bite you). These four furry friends give so much unconditional love, that being with them makes you forget every care in the world. They make my life so much better, every day, and every day I am grateful that they are in my life, along with all the fluffy family members we've loved and lost along the way: Butch, Adam, Evie, Muffin, Gizzmo, Stormy, Fievel, Mama, Cinnamon, Annie, and Sammie. I miss them all, and I hope that they are having a ball on the other side of the rainbow bridge.

You get more bees with honey

My mother has always said, "You get more bees with honey". That's hard to believe sometimes when there are so many douche bags in the world. However, I do believe that when you really look around at all of the amazing people out there. There are far more wonderful people, that are kind and lovely; people that are doing the best they can everyday. Those are the people we all have to watch. Everyday at work I have these lovely souls that I give the biggest bear hugs, and I would be just beside myself if I didn't get those. I think about the people on the street that I flash a smile at, and they smile back. I think about my friends. I keep thinking, New York isn't cold, New York is what you make it. Life is what you make it. If you make it light and lovely, it will be. If you look and your actions and make things fun and joyous, that's how most of the world will react. Some people will be dicks, ignore them! Whatever doesn't kill us, makes us stronger, right? So in a way, all those bad things, the shit in the world, it's all the shit that we need to use as fertilizer to help us bloom.

I'm not saying that things will be easy or fun all the time. My life is stressful, everyone's is. We're all doing the very best we can. But I also know, there are some wonderful people in my life, that truly care about. That makes me grateful for everyday. Even though, I sometimes want to say, "Eat shit!" to everyone I see, I just smile and say, "Hi!" and know we're all doing the best we can. Because, We are!


"If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished?"
~Rumi

some days

Some days it's the little things. As I type this, I am beginning to fight a migraine that will hopefully not ruin my night's sleep. And while they are dreadfully painful, I am very grateful that I do not get these more than about five times a year. Some people much endure them on a regular basis, and I am very lucky that I can go months without a twitch. That being said, that screen is killing my eyes, so i shall bid you all goodnight! :)



~Jen

Quotes

Right now is a really stressful time. I'm right in the middle of moving, and there's a little more going on then I can write about on a public blog. At any rate, this move is becoming really stressful. I've noticed that whenever I get really stressed out, I start mentally quoting. Maybe that's what we do, you know? To not self destruct; when the times are getting tough, we start going through every quote in the book.

Lately, I've found myself talking to myself and saying things like, "This too shall change" "When one door closes, another opens""Which came first? the chicken...wait! That's not a quote! Focus, Missy!" But as I'm repeating these little words of wisdom, I find that if only for a moment, maybe longer, I'm relaxed. So today as I continue on this great moving adventure once more, I know I will be fine and that, "This too shall change". I'm grateful for all of these little words of wisdom to help me through, when the times are not so easy. Because it's good to know, at the end of the day, things are always changing, and that the sun will come out tomorrow.

Orange Juice

My mother likes to listen to a lot of self help gurus. Self help is really the wrong term, though, since even though they are trying to get one to better oneself, they more of an enlightening and life changing sort than any of these "men are from mars, women are from venus/my mother myself/I'm my own grandpa" sort of books. But in any case, my favorite is Dr. Wayne Dyer. I have a lot of anger pent up inside, stored up from my childhood in boxes in my heart, and I've been slowly trying to clean all that crap out so I can be peaceful and happy no matter what or who. Here's a thought, following in the footsteps of Missy, from Dr. Dyer. I am grateful that listening to him, whether or not you feel he's a quack or even if I think he's one, makes me feel better about life. It doesn't matter how you get there, but if you can make your way to happiness without hurting anyone, including yourself, do it:

Being Selfish (To Be Yourself)

Today I'm grateful for being selfish. I don't mean that I'm going around being a total douche bag to people, but for the first time in a long while, I'm doing me. I'm thinking about myself for the most part. I'm finding that through that, everyone else is also a lot more happy. Because when I'm happy and thinking about me, everyone else seems to be happier. As silly as it may seem, by doing me, I'm doing a lot of other people. Wait, that came out wrong! But, you know what I mean.

Fashion Forward

During the Christmas season following my graduation from college (the first degree) I got a job at a store called Torrid, the plus size sister store to Hot Topic. A friend of mine had already started as holiday help, and had suggested that it wasn't a bad place to make a few bucks. As with other retail and food service establishments in the past, they wanted to make me part of the management within a month or so. I accepted, but I never realized what I would, in the end, really gain from this experience. The girls I worked with were all beyond full figured (the sizes went from 12 to 24, with most of the staff and customers leaning towards the larger end of things) and so I became, as one manager described me, the "anorexic one". Some of the girls who would come in wouldn't want my help since, at a good size 12/14 I was "skinny". Never before in my entire life had anyone looked at me, to my knowledge, and wanted to look like me. They would have me try on new clothes because I may not have a perfect model 34-26-34 or whatever it's supposed to be, but I'm in proportion, and curvy, and, as they taught me, gorgeous just the way I am. For the first time in my life, I had self esteem. We had to be "fashion forward" at all times, hair, makeup, nails, stylish clothing. I looked good everywhere I went because I was either coming from or going to work. While I never thought of myself as the retail or do-yourself-up type, I felt really good all the time. And I've carried that with me. I kid that it's why I can't lose weight, that i think I'm okay the way I am, though I know another 20lbs would make me really hot stuff. ;) So, today I am grateful for the self esteem I hold so dear that's just been growing ever since.




What are you grateful for?


~Jen

Just Right

I’m grateful for a lot of things, but more than anything, I’m grateful for my dreams. This is one of those dreams.

If I’m lucky, I want to be the old couple in the diner. That’s what I want more than anything. Even if I’m hugely successful and I have all the money in the world. Even though I could get far better cuisine elsewhere, I would much rather be with my husband of many years in a diner. I want to be the feisty old woman with pure white hair, sitting with my husband, with his full head of salt and pepper hair and thick Tom Selleck mustache; looking amazingly relaxed. Although, I have no clue how? With me always distressing him with some kind of ludicrousness, but he never seems to mind really, he finds an odd delight in my constant flow of ideas and tomfoolery. (He said it was my naughty eyes that made him fall in love with me.) But he has his things too, and I don’t seem to mind the fact that he falls asleep with a book every night, or always tells me the same story 20 times, but my memory isn’t that great anyway. I don’t mind always having to turn out the lights before bed. I mean he always gets the mail, so I guess it’s a fair trade in the end.

But every Wednesday we love to come to the Lyric Diner on 22nd and 3rd Avenue. I have the Egg Salad Sandwich and matzo ball soup. He has the Steak with a baked potato and mixed veggies. I cut his meat for him, and he eats half of my soup. He never orders his own, I think he likes when I get mad at him. He still likes to push the old buttons. Such a Jerk!! But he’s my Jerk.

We just sit there sometimes at the table and don’t say a word. We don’t really have to at this point. Sometimes we comment on the food, whether it’s bad or good…talk about how the douche bag kids finally called, but then talk about how proud we are of Alexander, Dylan, and Eliza. We smile as we think about all of the crazy times we went through with them, and how we’re just happy we made it to this diner. We’ll just sit there and eat our dinner, and then my husband will reach across the table, and he’ll grab my hand…and I’ll look and him and say “What darling?” He’ll just smile and say “Oh...nothing.” I’ll know that’s him just saying that he loves me. I’ll just smile back and drink my coffee. It will be lovely to know that everything is just right.

Someday, I’ll be that elderly couple in a diner, and it will be just right.

I’m grateful that I have dreams like this one, but I’m also grateful that dreams come true.

[The truth is, Everything is pretty good right now! I'm a very lucky person. I do have a lot of love. Maybe not romantic love, but a lot of love! I know one day, when the time is right, I'll find my old man, and it will be just right.]

cool, man

As I was driving home from work in the 92 degree heat this afternoon, windows down, just enough gas to get home, but not enough to turn on the air, I thought of how cold I'd be when I got home. My stepfather, my mother kids, is trying to make it the right temperature to use the wood burning stove. As much as it's strange wearing sweatpants and sweaters in the summer, I greatly appreciate the air. For a long time growing up, we didn't have it, and I believe that the decision to get it was not for us humans, but because my stepdad was concerned about the animals melting in the summer. I remember being in New Orleans in August, the humidity like jello, stopping in doorways to steal some cool. To think that anyone in extreme heat may have to go without this luxury was insane to me at the time, and going on heat wave #30 (this year and it's only July) I am super grateful for the fact that as I type this, I am in the line of fire of a cool (freezing) breeze.

Also, iced coffee.


Also also, that I only worked one job today!! woohoo!!

Sunday Dinner

Growing up we had a very small family. For the most part it was just my Mom, my brother John and my little brother Chris. My parents had divorced when I was little. But we had a huge adopted family! Luckily, My Mom had tons of friends. Every Sunday our house would be full of people. My mom would cook this amazing meal and everyone would come over, and we would tell stories about what happened that week, put on some soul music, tell dirty jokes (well, I would listen to them), it was wonderful. Everyone would eat, everyone would help clean. Then we'd all watch TV and relax, or sit outside and chat for hours. This is what we did on Sunday. This was Family night.

Every chance I get to recreate this, I'm over the moon! So lately I've been having Sushi Sunday's with My friends Jen and Tim. It's been nice to feel like a little family. It doesn't matter where you are, as long as you have some kind of family, that's all you need. My mom was so good at creating that for us. I guess growing up I never noticed that we didn't have such a large family. Because, it always seemed huge. The truth is, family can be anyone. We make new family everyday. Brand New Sisters, Moms, Dads and brothers, and that's pretty darn awesome. At the end of the day, it's not about what you did. It not about how much money you made. It's about the friends and loved one you made. It's about those Sunday dinners.

The Universe Knows

I was in the process of writing a blog about being grateful for things you don't have yet, thanking the universe for things you would like, as if you already have them, when I got the news that an old co-worker of mine had passed away today. Old as in, I haven't worked there in years, though I think he was only 25. He's been sick for two years and I didn't know. I keep up with some of my former coworkers from that job via Facebook, but since he was not on it, to my knowledge at least, I hadn't spoken to him in ages. He had an illness that he was said to have fought bravely, but today had to give up the fight. Or, accept his heaven. However you'd like to think of it. He must be in a better place, or at least I'd like to think he is. He was such a bright, thoughtful, funny kid when I knew him, someone I always pictured getting married, having kids, and enjoying his life, but this was not his plan. I know this is just a downer of a blog, but as I celebrate his memory, I am grateful for all of the health I and my family and friends currently enjoy. I am more grateful that I could ever express that I still have my mother, father, stepfather, brothers, sister,boyfriend, two grandparents, all of my aunts and uncles, brothers, sister, stepbrother and sisters, and cousins, and all of my friends in good health, still here with me.

and with that, go tell someone you haven't told in a while that you love them. Hug them. Kiss them. Pinch their cheeks. Be happy you have them.


~Jen

"Smile, I love you!”

Last night I hosted a film festival with some friends, and right away I went in to the event with a poor mind-set. I had to work right before I got there, so I was already worn out. Then, when we got there, we couldn’t play live music like we had planned. What's more, the folks that were having a show downstairs started taking all of our chairs. It felt like one of those nights where everything that could go wrong, was going wrong. Finally, a delightful friend of mine that was there sent me a text that said, “Smile, I love you!”

That’s when I thought to myself, “Yes! Smile! Just relax and have fun, because that’s all you have control over at this moment. It’s way more fun to be happy and not stressed out.” Then, the most unexpected thing happened; as soon as I let go and started to just have fun, the whole night got better. It was like the energy of the room shifted. The whole night ended up being a amazing success. The films were just wonderful! Like more fantastic than I could have hoped for, and I had to stop for a second and go, “I thought of this night. That’s pretty neat.” Now I in no way did the night alone. It takes a village! I have a really awesome village! I’m so grateful for all of my friends. I am the luckiest girl in the whole world.

I guess my point is; it’s better to have a good attitude no matter what, because it doesn’t feel any better having bad one. I knew that, but I needed someone from my awesome village to send me a little reminder. We all need reminders sometimes. I’m grateful for a few things, I’m grateful that I learned it’s better to relax and have fun. I’m grateful that I have people in my life now that really want to best from me, that want me to be a good person.

So take a look around at the people in your life, the things, the moments, and ask yourself: What are you grateful for?

This is one of the wonderful Films from the evening:

Today, I am grateful for the many wonderful technologies that allow me to update the blog from my phone!

What are you grateful for today?

Weird and Wonderful Periods

“If only there were a button somewhere that I could push. To force me to stop talking…” Angela [My So Called Life]

For years now I’ve felt like I was back in middle school again; just really weird, with bad hair, face full of zits and a stutter. I guess we all go through ‘the weird” period in our lives. But for the last few years, from ages 27 to 30—I’ve been a hot mess! Truthfully, the more I think about it, I’m so thankful. I feel like we all need those really weird and wonderful periods in our lives to make us grateful for the moments when everything feels, like, enough. But, also learn how to take all of the awkward-silly-moments with a grain of salt, and discover how to make those feel less crappy, maybe even make them feel funny or enjoyable.

To be totally honest, I’m really grateful that I’ve gone through a lot of uncomfortable moments in my life. It’s made me a better person. It’s made me compassionate and tolerant. It’s also taught me that who I am today, isn’t who I’m going to be tomorrow--Thank God for that!! The point is-- weird happens. When it does, it makes you a better person. Therefore, I’m grateful for all of “the weird” periods. Also, whatever doesn’t kill us, gives us a really awesome sense of humor, or a really excellent story. That’s what life’s all about at the end of the day, a really great story.

The girls

Since I was about twelve I've had them. They've grown up with me, in theory. Through thick and thin, good relationship and bad, weight loss (they never seem to get any smaller though), they have stood by my side. They have no choice-they're my boobs. When I was in high school I lost a lot of weight before prom, and excitedly went to find a dress. Problem was, my waist was a size 10, and my chest still needed a size 14. My mother ended up taking it in a bit, and I looked like Cinderella Barbie-teeny middle, huge tits. Another girl had on the same dress, and popular guys, because I was pretty much falling out of the top of it, kept coming over to tell me I looked better than she did. Not that I cared, we laughed at them for it, but it was just a funny thing to happen, to look back on. They have gotten the attention of the bartender to order drinks, gotten me free drinks at that, parts in shows, looks and compliments. I'm sure they've gotten me at least one job. So as much as I'd like the rest of me to be a bit smaller, they fit me well, I enjoy my 50's girl figure, and especially the way I fill out a dress.

So, today, I am grateful for my breasts. Someday after breast feeding they'll not be quite as pretty, but on that day, I'll be grateful for the little brats that made them that way. Hopefully ;)

Way Too Smooth

I often wish someone would write a book called, “What My Mother Forgot to Mention”. The very first chapter of that book would be called “Mom, Why do have hair there?” When I started going through puberty, I was reasonably prepared. My mother was always really candid with me, maybe a little too candid at times-- so I was completely prepared for leg hair, armpit hair, and “down there” hair. Needless to say, I was equipped for most things, or so I thought…

Then one day, I remember finding hair on my big toe and freaking out! I thought to myself, “Oh my god, I have too much testosterone in my body. Something’s wrong with me. This is awful. I’m the first girl ever to have hair on her big toe.” I was about eleven years old, and I go up to my mother and say, “Mom, is there something wrong with me? Was I born a boy? I have hair on my big toe.” She just started to laugh, “Oh yeah, all women do. Just shave it.” As I got older, I started to get chin whiskers too, (delightful) Again, I ran to my mother, and she just smiled and said, “I have them too, and so did your grandma and your kids will have them, just use the tweezers”. “Great!” I thought to myself, “Now I get to shave and pluck. Being a woman rules…not!”

The funny thing is; we’re raised to believe that women are these perfect hairless creatures. Yet, there’s so much we have to go through to maintain that, but we do it! Because we are women… and we are amazing like that! So today I’m grateful to everything and every person that helps me get rid of my body hair. Thank you, to my razor, Nair, Jolene bleach, tweezers, the lady that waxes my “down there” hair and eyebrows, and so many, many, many countless gadgets and doodads that go into my body hair removal. I would not be this smooth without you!

Also, I’m grateful for my Mom, because she never made me feel bad for any questions that I had.

If you live in New York City:
This is my favorite place to go, the girls are so nice! Also, the prices are reasonable.
http://myshobha.com/index.html

Work...yes, folks, I know...

how much I will produce that shift. On my first day coming from central supply to my new job as an instrument aide for the OR on the other side of the room (in our minds, a promotion, per diem to part time with benefits) they bought me a cake, a "welcome to the department we're really happy you're here" cake. Who else can say they got a cake on their first day? It was just such a lovely gesture, and they're the type of people who have really become aunts, cousins, sisters, and moms to me, looking out for me professionally and personally. And to think, I never even knew these jobs existed before I filled oBut truly, I am very grateful for my job, for both of my jobs, at the hospital. Granted, they are not for what I went to graduate school, or even have anything to do with my bachelor's degree, but in this economy, I am thankful I have one, let alone one that will offer me health insurance come August (I already got the cards in the mail! Weee!!) While I don't enjoy all of my co-workers (who does?), I have met some really great friends at this place, and even the people I don't enjoy working with are good people. It's a little family, and I like going there every day even if I don't always like the work, because I know when I get there the folks that will greet me actually care about me beyond how I leave my work station, how fast I'll complete my trays, orut an application that said I'd pretty much do any task at the hospital for money.

"Dancing Mirror"

Today I want to say how truly grateful I am for my mirror, otherwise known as my "dancing mirror". I've had a few through out the years, and it's a very important part of my life. I started dancing in front of the mirror when I was very little, like seven...with wigs and costumes, and not a whole lot has changed since then. I still love to get out the costume box, put on a wig or three, and play the best of the 90's, then dance until I'm dripping with sweat. I don't think I'm alone in this either, I believe lots of girls and maybe some boys love to dance alone in their room.

I'm grateful for my mirror for giving me an outlet on days when I'm sad, or bored, or anything! Because there's no wrong time to go into my room and get out the wigs, the girl scout uniform, and turn on some tunes! There's no wrong time to just dance like no one is watching! Dancing is the most wonderful thing in the whole world. It's like pure freedom. If you have a mirror, you have a partner. I just hope that as I get older, I never want to stop playing or being silly. I think that's what the mirror really is to me. It's playtime! It's knowing that I can be happy by myself. And That's pretty awesome! Thank You, Mirror!

The beach

When I was living upstate a few years ago, despite the fact that my roommate made my life unbearably uncomfortable and basically hell, I was really more put off by not living near water. I grew up on the Long Island Sound, and take for granted that not everyone lives on an island. Water makes everything better; when I wanted to write, I'd go to the water, when I wanted to think about life, I'd go to the water, when I needed to pine over a boy, I'd go to the water, when I wanted to appreciate a sunset with friends, I would go to the water. There's something about it that soothes my soul, and I realize that I need to live somewhere that isn't very far away from some large body of water or another. Not a lake though; there's something about water surrounded by trees on all sides that takes away the grandness, the life affirming scale of a body of water that can welcome a sunset into it's arms. I need that. And so, as much as I hate the fact that I am stuck at my parent's house for the time being, a victim of the economy and some bad life choices (but mostly the economy) I am grateful that I am able to live near the water again.




I am also grateful that my parents are kind enough to let me live here as I get myself back on my feet, but that's another blog for another day.....


~Jen

Because of Guy

Three years ago I was sitting on my couch, watching an episode of Beverly Hills 90210, when my boyfriend sits down beside me, and grabs my hand, and says “Monkey, Could you turn off the TV?”. I look at him nonchalantly, and keep watching 90210, because it’s an incredible episode, Dylan was returning, and I hadn’t seen it in a while, but then he shuts off the TV. “Monka, I’m sorry, you know I love you, but this isn’t working anymore”. I just glare at him, I’m totally taken a back and cold at this point. I feel like I've been hit by a car. I'm in shock, I can’t even look at him I feel so ill, “If that’s all you have to say? I’d like to finish my show…”. After that he just kept looking at me and crying, which I didn’t get? You just broke my heart! And interrupted my show, why are you crying? Men...?

Then a week later, I had to go to the hospital, because my heart had filled up with fluid and could barely beat, so they had to drain it. It's called a Pericardial effusion ("fluid around the heart"). My now ex-boyfriend thought he had some kind of super power, like the power to in fact “break my heart”. Which I think made him feel a little better. (Cough, cough, douche bag...) Although, in his defense, he was very good with me for that period. I spent two weeks in the hospital. When I got out of the hospital, I had to continue to live with him for a few months until I was recovered. Which in a way made me feel like we were still together. Which made it worse when I moved out. It felt like breaking up all over again.

Subsequently, a month after I moved out, he found a new girlfriend (she was ten years younger than him, and I referred to her as "The child", cause that was bitchy and being bitchy made me feel better); Honestly, this broke my heart and propelled me into an abyss of madness that I didn’t quite comprehend or know how to deal with. He was my first real love, I wasn’t moved on yet--How could he? and so immediately. Did I mean nothing? I was furious! I knew what I needed to do... get sexy and upgrade! I started going to the gym, I started eating healthy, I started writing, I started finding friends, I started trying to find me. And Then in January I found Guy.

It was just after the New Year and I was going to a Twelfth Night party. I wasn’t looking to meet anyone. Thus, I walk into this party, and I see this charming man with Ginger hair, who’s just way too good looking. He was like every guy who ever mocked me in high school. I just thought, there’s no way a guy like that would ever like a girl like me. But he was the only guy there at that point besides the host, so I started chatting with him. He was really nice. Later on that night, I even met some of his friends, who were amazing. (We’re actually still friends)

About a week later we went on a date, to me it went really well, and I was totally smitten…but sadly he wasn’t really. He liked me, but in a friendly way. The thing about me though, I fall head over heels right away. It’s pretty awful. But in an odd way, it ended up being the best thing in the world! Because of my fascination with him, I was happy to be anywhere in his life. Which made me go places, and meet people, I would not have met had I not been trying so hard to win his affection. Sometimes you win more by losing. Which sounds kind of odd, but it's true. I know now he and I would have been horrid together. But he was the first guy I liked after my relationship had failed, he was my first sign of hope. He was hope, he showed me there are other things out there. Maybe not Guy, but other things.

The truth is, Because of Guy, I’ve met some of the most wonderful people in the world, because of Guy, I’ve produced shows, and because of Guy I’ve found other love. Even though he and I were never meant to be, just by Guy being in my life, he gave me the love of so many more. That’s the greatest gift ever! So For that, I’m eternally grateful.

Sometimes people don’t need to be a huge part of your life, to make a huge impact.

The Best of Things

The ability to see the bright side, to see the light at the end of the tunnel is something people who already have it good take for granted. But when you fall, when you're at the bottom of the well with little hope of rescue, how difficult is it to stay positive about things? I often think about people in third world countries, and how for them the idea of "everything happening for a reason" would be a cruel joke. Yet they live, they love, they have a stamina that we as Americans will never comprehend.

My mother's best friend from childhood, Eileen, recently had a stroke. She's only in her early fifties, not in great shape but not in danger of having a TLC special dedicated to having to remove her from her house via a crane either. Sort of out of the blue. Completely a wake up call. To her, her children, her family, and mine. She had been completely and utterly depressed to the point of incapacitation. And with this sudden (possibly irreversible) loss of the use of one side of her body, this influx of visitors, of compassion, of care, she realized how much time she had lost being depressed and hiding behind her misery and her front door. Currently, she is still in rehab, making the transition from pureed to chopped food, making crafts, pushing herself around by her good food in her wheelchair, and, I discovered today, is even making friends. Watching her progress has been amazing, proving how incredible and resourceful the human brain really is. If she can work her way literally back on her feet, then I can surely get through a day with all of my perfectly working limbs without bitching about being fat or feeling inadequate and stupid. Visiting her makes me grateful, not just for her recovery, but for the thankfulness of life she has fostered in me.


This is heavy, thoughtful gratefulness, but anything you are grateful for is worthy of posting. Today it was toss up between this and coffee.


~Jen

Effortless Friendships

"I like my friendships like I like my coffee, light and sweet"

When I think about one of the things I'm most grateful for, I think about my friendships.I’m so grateful for all of my dear friends that are beautifully easy. I wish I had a better word, but I don’t. It’s the best way to describe these amazing people that I’ve been blessed with. They take very little effort. Not that I wouldn’t bend over backwards, or take a bullet for these people, because I would! My friends are like my family, and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for them. I’m lucky to have friends that are so light and easy. Folks I know I can call whenever, for anything. Buddies that will snuggle with me for hours. Friends that, no matter what, accept me and love me as I am. Which, to be totally honest is a little silly sometimes, and by "silly" I mean, crazy. The great thing is, they kind of love that about me...which is why they're wonderful! It’s pretty awesome when you can find people like that.

To all of those amazing friends out there, whether I see you everyday or once a year...I love you! I'm grateful for you everyday, but mostly thank you, for being easy.

Hello!

If you are reading this, you are either curious, grateful, bored, killing time, addicted to your smart phone, or a supportive friend of ours that was badgered into stopping by. In any case, welcome! As the name implies, this blog will be dedicated to all things positive. We hope by thinking, ourselves, of at least one thing a day for which we are grateful, we can booster a new hope and love for life. Cheesy sounding, we know, and we are all fairly jaded people in general, which is all the more reason to embark on a project such as this. Being positive, being able to not sweat the small stuff and make it through the large takes some big cojones, big contented cojones, and that is our mission: to grown some happy cojones. Sure, there will be days that are full of royal suckage, but even on those days, you can find just one thing for which you are thankful, even if it's that you've gotten through that trial or tribulation and get to pass the hell out, or have finally made your way to a glass of wine. It's different for everyone. And so is this blog.

Because we want everyone to join in, please make sure that any comments you might make contain one thing for which you are grateful on the day you are posting. We would love to see comments that are simply that, what you're thankful for that day, but feedback is also great.


And with that, here we are, the first grateful post, July 1st, 2010:


I am grateful for realizing how much I am loved, which was my impetus for creating this blog.






What are you grateful for today?

~Jen